2 Week 2 Furious

Well it only took two weeks and already we find ourselves saying “What the f—k?!” to this NFL season. The Panthers are a shit show, the Bengals are 0-2, the Saints look legit, and Sam Darnold looks to confirm that the Jets are QB killers.

But things take an even weirder turn with Fantasy as we watch over five key players take to the Injured Reserved list and will be out the next four games… and even worse, Miles Sanders is currently on a roster! I know Halloween is a month and a half away, but that is some scary shit. How will teams fare without some big scorers like Kupp, Puka, and CMC? A Greasel Park Cliff Jumping party may be the answer.

Speaking of dying, Tua got his 5,000th concussion in only his first 30 NFL games and is back meeting with neurologists on the state of his brain. At this point he’s better off huffing Galaxy Gas as that will probably yield the same results, yet he wouldn’t have to worry about 300lbs men trying to tackle him.

But nonetheless Damar Hamlin improves his K/D ratio to 1, and hopefully Tua takes his career serious and looks to use a Guardian Cap to protect himself. The last thing we want is for him to die, because that will activate our Death Rule! [for those who don’t know: if a player dies, you have said player on your roster at TOD, you automatically win the season]

Our second power rankings saw a surge of the 2-0 teams rise to the top as some separation starts to settle in between the 14 teams.

Dropped from rankings: Bodega Cat, Haribo Lecter

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

Stroud Boys vs. Jimmy Da Kid:

It’s a beautiful day in the Naber-hood! And the weather was looking only “Partly Stroudy" as the Stroud Boys storm their way to the first victory of the season. The Giants finally remembered they drafted a speedy wide receiver and got him the ball despite Daniel Jones’ arm having the same functionality as Tua’s brain. The real secret sauce for the Stroud Boys looks to be Brock Bowers - who looks just like the stud he was at Georgia. If Bowers can keep this up, Ron has himself a TE1 for a steal.

Boy, when we said Jimmy was the elimination league champ, we meant for that league and not by eliminating himself in our main league. Losing his first two games plus losing his second round pick is a tough blow to the One-Team Champ. And with low performances from Herbert, Cooper, and Ford, not much help is on the way. Jimmy’s roster is so empty right now that a Spirit Halloween store is looking to rent it out for the holiday season.

LuLu Lemons vs. The Philadelphia Smeagles:

Well it turns out that when you play your best players, and actually leave them in their roster spots, you can score high. And that’s exactly what the LuLu Lemons did soaring to a 175 point week. By an almost intentional score of under 100 points in Week 1, the Lemons brought life to their team in Week 2 and balled out to the highest scoring team of the week. Will we see this momentum continue, or will it be up & down every week? I don’t know, but all I can say is next time, let’s leave the tanks where they belong: in Tiananmen Square.

As for Josh you have to ask yourself, “Does he deserve this beat down?” And the answer is 1000% yes. Am I saying this because he let CMC’s back up walk on waiver for free to Rawb whom I was playing this week? 1000% yes. We are learning that it truly is a skill at this point to be the holder of the MacSucken’, and Josh now holds this losers trophy for 75 days and 11 straight games. He’ll look to pass it off to Ron in week 3 but I highly doubt that happens.

RawbPeeple vs. Bodega Cat:

By order of the commissioner, RawbPeeple must complete a 23 & Me DNA test before Week 4 to prove they aren’t Haitian after devouring this cat.

Look make no mistake, the Bills are not a team you want to play during the week of 9/11 - but when Massage Watson outscores Josh Allen you know you’re going to have a bad time. Strung together with a dud in Brandon Cooks and Kyle Pitts (the human equivalent of the SAP enterprise software), and you find yourself putting your phone down and going outside with the rest of your Sunday.

Despite almost winning via the Death Rule, RawbPeeple had an extremely solid week. Led by my sweet baby angel at Tight End, Rawb has to be proud of the receiving core he’s drafted. Getting almost 40 points from the Sun God and Rice, and Achane looking good when healthy, this is a team that will find itself in the Power Rankings each week.

Detroit Lines vs. The Algorithm:

Our Match up of the Week settles a top debate: Who has the better algorithm, Trevor or TikTok? And we quickly learned not to fuck with the CCP, as the famed “redesigned logo” TikTok bit proved to be superb.

But let’s be real here, this is starting to feel like more than just a trend. Despite a Christian Watson dud, the Lines were a well balanced attack spearheaded by solid Saquon play and George Kittle being the last-man-standing in the 49ers offense and going for 20 points. Combine that with the Steelers D, and a generous return of 15 points from a kicker, and you find yourself easily 2-0. Trevor on the other hand has some stud in receiver with CeeDee and Say combining for 35 points - and that stack with Lamar has some real potential. But if there’s one thing The Algorithm loves & needs, it’s a women-beating running back - hopefully his current RB room has a change of heart towards the other gender or they just get better at actually running the football.

Jess ends Week 2 with wins over last years second place and champ respectively, and you have to look at this team as a real contender. Personally, looking at Jess’s scores, I haven’t seen anything come out of the University of Pittsburgh this enlarged since James Connor’s lymph nodes.

McConkey Kong vs. Spaghetti Mafia:

Oh hey there, Marvin Harrison Jr., nice of you to show up this week! No more Starvin’ Marvin as that boy ate for two touchdowns in the first half alone and finally showing why he was worthy of an early round pick.

Unfortunately, unbeknownst to him, he’s on Zach’s team who is yet to score a single point in the Tight End position this year and wasn’t able to be bailed out by a 26 point kicker score to get out of this loss. Marvin is clearly the shining light in the 0-2 start for Zach, but being the best player on Zach’s team is like saying you’re the coolest kid at Canfield Highscool.

On the other side of the mythical gridiron Katie dealt with some last minute injuries that her starting WR1 and TE to the bench to cuddle with Jordan Love. But I’ll be damned this roster was blessed with a little Marvin Gaye & Charbonnet as a late scratch Kenneth Walker set up the back-up ‘hawks running back up for a great day. The Seahawks spread the ball around too which set DK off for 30 points, and ‘Shid continues to freaking run!

Moving to a tie for the top of the division, this is a team that feels like it can go as far as JK Dobbins Achilles is willing to take them.

Beerserkers vs. Haribo Lector:

With a cowboys defense that went negative points, and a low-scoring Tyreek because Tua caught the ‘Tism, it was written in the stars of a Beerserkers loss. Then Alvin Kamara decided to come marching into Jerry World, put up 45 points, and punch the ball into the end zone four times - which is two more times than he punched that guy in front of a Vegas Casino! But what do you expect? “White Dudes for Kamara” tampering with Fantasy Football scoring feels like a foreshadow for this November.

Abigail has to be feeling like Dennis Green here because “The Beerserkers were who we thought they were! And we let them off the hook!”. With the Slim Reaper getting the WR1 nod and putting up 20, and Trey McBride looking like a top three Tight End, this is a win you can feel slip through your fingers. Sigh…. I hate to see my rival win in this fashion.

Gooning With All Mahomies vs. Sacks in the City:

Finally, we saved the worst for last (solely speaking on points for here).

I don't know if it’s Baby Gronk rizzing up Livvy Dunne, or Skibiddy, or more sigmas, but god damn Gooning with All Mahomies needs a jolt in the arm of something because this team is making my Brain Rot.

Look with Walker and Mostert out, this left Tony’s Running Back room with a guy from Youngstown State & an Anime Cosplayer - both of whom combined for 4.5 points. Sprinkle in Chase and the Bengals doing jack shit, and you find yourself 0-2 looking up at the lights in the ceiling. And at that point you just gotta feel bad. Like this is the type of scoring you would wish on Zach, but not Tony. But as my Rival, Soy Boi Tomas FakeNews-man, said: The Generational Goon Continues.

Sacks in the city, however, broke no sweat riding on the back of Sarah Jessica-Parker on the old town road to victory this week. There really isn’t much to add here, this is the kind of performance you love to see as a fantasy manager. Winning with 112 points matches up with the league median of 113 points, and production looks to be strong out of the RodGod and JJetas. That just hard nose fantasy football. Show up with your shovel and pale, put in your 8 hours, and go home with a Victory.

We’ll see you all next week for the Week 3 results.

Maybe then we will have our save the dates out to meet at Greasel once 10 more players go on IR.