Week 1: And We're Off!

Rawb
September 09, 2025

War... war never changes. The nuclear bombs were dropped on every corner of middle-earth after Aaron Rodgers decided it was a good idea to light up his wooden pipe with some dank ass shit... Yup. If he had just retired, the Fellowship of our dear fantasy football league wouldn't be forced to live in this wasteland--trapped in Vault 2018.

Now, the only thing the fantasy legends and losers in the Fellowship can do is group together in their east and west factions, and continue to set their lineup in the hopes that one champion will be able rise above the ghouls and soldiers of the brotherhood of steel to reverse this horrible nuclear apocalypse ... and if not, well then I guess we can look forward to a season two of Aaron Rodgers' very own personal New Vegas hellscape: Pittsburgh!

What a successful draft ! As we all huddled together, like a bunch of nuclear holocaust survivors in a bomb shelter, we gave thanks and praise to our savior American professional football. Special thanks to Tony and Annie Kopatich for being gracious hosts. Let the mimosas overflow for this fresh and beautiful bounty!

The number one overall pick then went to RawbPeeple, and he surprised absolutely no one (except for Pibbles, as he asked over and over who Rawb would pick before the draft time) by selecting Chase, the three-year-in-a-row first overall pick in the Fellowship. The Vietnamese trees indeed spoke to Pibbles, and they whispered that he must select Bijan Robinson for the first RB off the board. Next, Pumpkin Spice Row had their fun taking on big names like the Sun God and Nicaragua, as McConkey Kong elected to stick close to her latte and auto-draft her roster. In the first round, we saw seven WRs fall, six RBs disappear, and Brock's strong, loving arms wrap tightly around the Spaghetti Mafia. Lamar was this year's first QB selected, and Ashton Jeanty was the first rookie to go. It's hard not to second-guess every single selection made this draft as we leave the first week of the regular season in the dust, but the draft grades from ESPN dished out a big letter "C" to the Detroit Lines, McConkey Kong, Spaghetti Mafia, Jimmy Da Kid, The Movie Chef, and Haribo Lecter. Let's just see if these grades stick when the playoffs finally hit.

If we want to snapshot the ESPN predictions at this point in time, take a look below at the immediate post-draft power rankings. The first eight spots include everyone the ESPN algorithm is predicting to make the playoffs. No pressure, Sacks! Let's see if Haribo Lecter will be saddled with the toilet bowl when the regular season wraps.

Post Draft PowerRankings

Sacks in the City
The Algorithm
Beerserkers
Bodega Cat
The Philadelphia Smeagles
LuLu Lemons
Average Boes
RawbPeeple
McConkey Kong
Detroit Lines
Jimmy Da Kid
Spaghetti Mafia
The Movie Chef
Haribo Lecter

RawbPeeple vs. The Algorithm

I don't want to set the NFL world on fire; I just want some good players who start. That's Rawb's new season motto set to the tune of the Platter's iconic song that plays in the halls of our Fellowship Vault number 2018. Rawb missed a lot of playoff action the past few years, and despite recruiting Josh Allen to become an official Rawb(Person) this year, in MVP-world ending form, he STILL wasn't able to mount a comeback as the Algorithm pops off with a complete team win. Zay doesn't often hit that high of a ceiling, but when he does, he makes league managers very fucking angry. Machine learning had all of the answers this week with a well-rounded performance from everyone but Mark Andrews and Joe Burrow. He may as well have had all of the PipBoy upgrades, because even CMC looked as vintage as Cooper Howard. Next week, the machines are favored against the gummy bears, while Rawb looks to spike Ja'Marr's water bottle with blue chew in a slightly favored matchup against Kong.

Beerserkers vs. Spaghetti Mafia

Beerserkers drank and slept with the fishes. In more ways than one, too, since we also had to say goodbye to his squad in the elimination league. Binge drinking got off to a bad start in the wasteland, as the mafia's unconventional draft strategy led to a very productive start. His pair of OSU WRs showed McLaurin and Adams up. Youth trumps age here as Hampton also threw in and helped the Pasta boys score roughly ten over the league average score so far, except for quarterback--Lamar will always be Lamar when healthy, it seems. Drake Maye started hot, but he was left in the wasteland as the raiders came to roost on his corpse. One seriously hopes that our favorite sloshed Vikings wake up in time for a favored battle next week against Sacks. The Mafia is favored against the Bodega Cats and could be off to a hot start if they win.

Bodega Cat vs. The Philadelphia Smeagles

Speaking of cats, it's nice to see that we still have some cute pets surviving the war brought on by Aaron Rodgers. The Smeagles are also cat-like, if you squint really hard and shave the fur that is. Despite AJ Brown's mushroom cloud dud of a showing, the naked mole rat hobbits stopped this matchup from being a suck-off with great games from Baker, Cook, and my white honky Chris Boswell kicking 60-yard field goals like Quinshon Judkins punches bitches. The Bodega Cats started strong with a decent game by Lamb and then Kittle (now out for a few weeks), but Waddle and Walker III need bounce-back games. It may look dour, but doubt the Bodega Cat mentality at your own risk--he's even managed to snag Quentin Johnston on a surging Chargers offense.

Haribo Lecter vs. The Movie Chef

Do we tell Tony that the theme of this year's fantasy season is Amazon Prime hit, Fallout? Maybe it's best to leave Jon Favreau gooning over his cubanos before we tell him that he needs to ration the shelter's short supply. But the great players weren't scarce here, because these two teams were James-COOKING. The kitchen worked up a little bit of an early lead for Haribo with an appetizer of Penix Jr (YUM), followed by the main course of that absolute BANGER of a Bill-Ravens matchup that gave Chef the slight edge behind a career day from Derrick Henry and Keon Coleman. However, MNF was the dessert course, and JJ McCarthy gifted a banana split ice cream sundae pick-6 to the Bears D that pushed Haribo back into the lead with 147.72, or the highest score of the week. Fantasy drama in the bunker! It's especially fitting that Haribo's nickname strategy led her to this moment... after a 14th, dead last projected placement no less. Chef and Haribo are both underdogs in their matchups next week against Jimmy and Algorithm.

Detroit Lines vs. LuLu Lemons

To the tune of 60.2 points, LuLu came in with athleisure atomic weapons against the wooden spears the Detroit Lines picked up on the southside. We haven't seen a former success like Lines flop since Bethesda released Fallout 76. Justin Fields had VATS on or some shit, because he actually looked like he could see men downfield, and then he'd throw a ball that would actually connect with their hands. And then those hands would, by some miracle, keep hold of the ball. It's like those boys were playing football or something. With his fellow OSU WR on the bench, Fields didn't need the extra help as the Lemons walloped Detroit with Bijan and Croskey-Merritt proving that ridiculous names rule the NFL. The defending champ looks very strong here, and he's got the edge against the Boes next week. Detroit's going to pray that the projections are very wrong when she hosts the Smeagles.

Sacks in the City vs. Jimmy Da Kid

Sacks played against wasteland ghoul, Jimmy, as he looks to campaign and run for anything better than last this year. Breece Hall was a positive, looking absolutely like someone who belongs on a football field. Mahomes balled out. Even Aaron Jones had a nice TD catch to save his day. It wasn't enough to overcome a one-time runner-up, Sacks in the City ,and... Justin fucking Herbert going off? She had Barkley and Achane lead the ground charge (although that garbage time TD must have had Jimmy swearing like a sailor - insert dolphin noises to f*cking bleep this out). Even as Jerome Ford faded on the Browns, there was just enough production from everyone else to overcome a flailing Tyreek Hill opposite her in the FLEX matchup. Jimmy Da Kid hopes BTJ and Nico can reach their ceilings soon, as he has the edge against Chef, and Sacks prepares to face the Beerserkers as the slight underdog.

McConkey Kong vs. Average Boes

Autodraft? Schmauto draft ! Kong made the Boes feel less than average with a respectable finish to keep her in good graces of the vault overseer, Jerry Jones. In upper management's good graces, Connor and Pearsall did just enough damage on the ground and in the air for Kong. Brock looked purdy much better than last year (as did the 49ers, hey wouldyalookitdat!). On the Average Boes, Nabers will certainly have better weeks ahead, but will the G Men ever recover from constant, Mr. Unlimited levels of irrelevance and mediocrity? Very hard to say, as this team's top finisher was Courtland Sutton. The bright spot with this club is that Deebo had a great first week as a Commander. That should at least make the slight underdog matchup against LuLu more interesting. Kong hosts Rawb--may the fantasy gods have mercy on his poor heart.

Pro tip: open those ESPN apps on your phones and go to the Scoreboard dropdown after MNF. Hit the 'Matchup Recap" button for an auto-generated recap by ESPN. Our recaps are obviously the BEST, but if you want something shorter to read while you pretend to work, I won't blame you.

Now, it's about lights-out time for me in the vault. I'm bunking with Aaron Rodgers, and he reeks of kush. Since he helped clutch a W against the Jets, I won't say anything... this week.

Good luck in week 2 everyone! Remember to set those lineups and thank Josh.