Week 1 Has Come and Gone

NOTE FROM THE COMMISIONER:

Hey Fellowship - our loveable RawbPeeple has typed up a beautiful week 1 recap and a week 2 preview, which is well worth the read. But before we jump into the fun, I have to address a few points as a reminder for everyone in the league:

• Roster Setting:

  It is the expectation that everyone is setting their roster with the best of intent. While each match up, roster moves and starting line up will always be on a case-by-case review with any issues, any form of tanking or manipulation of ones rosters will not be tolerated and punishment will be placed on any offending parties. Don’t be as stupid as the “Chase Money Glitch” and think before you commit fraud.

• The MacSucken’: 

  For the new people, I did not explain this one to you, and that’s on me. But The MacSucken' is our fictional trophy that was given to the first official Toilet Bowl Trophy holder. The MacSucken' is passed in linear fashion to whomever loses to the MacSucken' holder. The trophy will be passed from loser to loser, and is not something you want to be holding at the end of the season. The MacSucken' is updated weekly during the regular season and any transferring takes place on Tuesday. Currently, the Philadelphia Smeagles are the current MacSucken’ holders (and have been for the last 68 days at the time of writing this). Josh will look to pass the trophy off in week 2 when he plays the LuLu Lemons.

Okay, now let’s get into the recap!

Week 1 Overreact and OverRECAP time!

These recaps are getting longer and longer. You know, maybe if George R. R. Martin joined our fantasy league, he'd maybe make more progress on Winds of Winter? I know our dragon boy is an avid Giants fan. Let's hope the work on his new book is shaping up better than what we're seeing out of NY... you can take that as a shot against Giants or the Jets... take your pick!

Speaking of picks, let's review some as we hit some quick stats on our journey through Middle Earth. Out of all the WRs picked in the first round, only a total of two are ranked in the top 14... that's Tyreek Hill and AJ Brown! Breece Hall and Jahmyr Gibbs are in the top 15 out of the RBs selected in the first round (we'll give Gibbs a mini shoutout here), and Barkley is the true RB HOT DOG stud of the group at number one overall. With all of the teams having played their games, there are four teams in the East with a W, and there are three teams in the West with wins. Overall, there were three teams that finished under 100 total points scored. If you're upset with your team's performance, you should be - especially if you have Puka (est. return is Oct. 20th per ESPN) or CMC (keep watching updates on the top tier back's practice activity). Obviously, it's early and nothing is truly set in stone... yet. I bet Zac Taylor's telling his squad the same thing in Cincinnati this week.

Wait--before we recap, can I just say what the fuck, ESPN? The Smeagles were ranked at number one, and after week one's in the dumpster, Philly dropped all the way to a 12th place finish. That's some next level AI, algorithm projections! Thanks Disney!

To build off of being better than the Mouse, one new feature we are bringing this year is our own power rankings. But since there are 14 of us, it would be a long list each week. To save you some scrolling, we trimmed it down to the top 5 teams and will update this each week. Here are the initial Power 5:

Oh and to be better than ESPN, we provide transparency in our Power Ranking formula. So here’s how we calculate it:

(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

RawbPeeple vs. Goonin with Mahomies:

In an eastern conference showdown, we saw Rawb take Mahomies out for a gooning session he wasn't ready for! Avert your eyes ladies, this recap's for the boys. In all seriousness, Rawb lost in a work league, dynasty, elimination, and a "you pick em" league in Sleeper. This guy needed some kind of win more than the Númenóreans need to not die all the fucking time in the Tolkien universe. Rashee Rice looked solid despite Worthy running circles around everyone on the Chiefs offense. Achane was solid (if a bit hobbled after the game), and the Vikes defense pick up helped offset some lesser performances from the rest of the starting lineup. Gabe Davis couldn't stop the bleeding for Tony unfortunately, and neither could the rest of his squad. I repeat the Rawblin mantra: FUCK you, Gabe!

LuLu Lemons vs. The Algorithm:

The Algorithm saw the lines of code with Lamar this season (so far), while LuLu saw stars. Every dog chases its own tail, and Davante Adams on the Raiders is no different I'm told. But did anyone expect Mark Andrews to be outshone by the unlikely Isaiah Likely? All's fair in love and fantasy as the lore scribes say. Yet, nothing is more lovely than a solid victory due to Fairbairn kicking three FGs over 50 yards. Seriously, if that's the power of AI then I'm going out and getting one of those over-advertised CoPilot+ Windows PCs baby!

Jimmy Da Kid vs. Beerserkers:

And where would we be without our new league baby, Jimmy Da Kid! He's so cute and un-kid-like after Rawb's wedding. Unfortunately, in the world of the Fellowship, this Hobbit hasn't quite hit puberty. JT, Pacheco, and Ford can't quite top the Beerserker RB trio of Kamara, Jacobs, and Montgomery. A true dick measuring contest of defenses end up canceling each other out, and that really hurt Da Kid. Seriously, the Browns sucked so bad in Cleveland that the Beerserkers blacked out celebrating in Dallas! Finally, in true Gus Johnson fashion, Tyreek Hill has running-from-the-cops speed! Even after being arrested, Hill goes for 100 yards, with a 50 yard tuddy too! Who needs a seatbelt when you have that kind of talent. And yes, Jayden Daniels did outscore Jalen Hurts this week.

Detroit Lines vs. Sacks in the City:

Matchup of the week alert! If you've read this far, then you've probably chewed all of your fingernails (and toenails like I did) watching newbie Detroit Lines take last year's runner-up to the end and win! The Detroit Lines smashed a Cosmo cocktail over Carrie's horse-shaped head and inched across the Churchill Downs finish line with a solid (but not up to his standards) outing from George Kittle. That being said, we had some big showings from Barkley, Stevenson in a shocking upset, Chris Godwin, Diggs in his new Houston drip, and even the Saints D got to absolutely DUNK on the Panthers. Hey, Tyler? Tyler Bass? You couldn't help a league vet out by kicking a few 50 yarders? As Samantha would say, and I'm paraphrasing, touchdowns come and go, but field goals never go out of style.

McConkey Kong vs. The Philadelphia Smeagles:

Next on the docket is our favorite barrel-throwing monkey, McConkey Kong! Katie doesn't end up getting the MacSuckin. That honor still belongs to the best video game spin-off of all time: Gollum. The Smeagles were worse than smegma, partially due to CMC being out but also because football was football, and some football players shat their pants (Keenan Allen and Calvin Ridley) while others hit the ATM at Paydirt Bank (Joe Mixon and AJ Brown). Who would've mcTHUNK that Xavier Worthy and Geno Smith would've given Smeagle a better chance at catching Kong? Also, Brandon Aubrey wanted to drill a couple of 50 yard FGs to make this recap after Kai'imi made it. I told him I'd name drop him if he'd stop texting me.

Stroud Boys vs. Haribo Lector:

However, as Borat would say, "MAH WYFE!" Why she so good at fantasy? She strong on plow! Haribo was NICE this week as she eat Stroud Boys shit. Stroud Boys might have won if it weren't for an absolutely bonkers performance from Jayden Reed. Maybe there should be a week one game in Kazakhstan? Do they even have a stadium? The Stroud Boys don't have to protest too long. There's still hope if Mike Evans and Aaron Jones can keep reliving the old days on the field, and you have to imagine that Olave and Robinson will do better in future weeks, right?

Spaghetti Mafia vs. Bodega Cat:

Finally, the Cats strike back against the mafia. That's right--look's like pasta's back in the menu, boys! You don't have to be a hungry orc to see a talented roster like what we're seeing in the Bodega 💦😩. Josh Allen showed his ADP with a 30+ strike. Like a fine bottle of wine, aged to perfection, the Bodega Cats had solid outings from everyone not named Devin Singletary and the Texans Defense. Plenty of the players on his squad may also have a higher ceiling. Jumping back in the kitchen, I think Zach's noodles are a bit "al dente." The Bears defense roared, but Caleb and DJ Moore looked like some cubs out there. And as Rawb knows, Starvin' Marvin did not look...good. Speaking of English cusine, Javonte Williams and Luke Musgrave sucked more than bangers and mash. The whole team isn't whacked though. Kupp and Gibbs showed up, and Jake Moody tried to help the goombahs out with 6 total FGs! If all of them were 50 yarders, he would have tied Dom. FYI; In a Spanish-speaking country, a "bodega" is also known as a wine shop or wine cellar.

Like a Goosebumps book, readers beware--you're in for a scare!

Rawb takes on the well-rounded Bodega Cats squad in championship form already. Josh Allen is in a big matchup against the Fins on Thurs, and Rawb hopes for more value out of Hurts as the Eagles take on the Falcons--caw! Rawb's gotta hope for Achane to get the start, and the commish's hoping Singletary doesn't look SingleSCARY! That's a Halloween joke for people watching their calendars.

Mahomies looks to pick up his roadkill squad off the pavement. Alyssa hopes to build on a strong start with her last week players Stevenson and Godwin playing Seattle and Detroit respectively, and I think Gooning just hopes his players gain "yards" and find "the endzone." It's not his fault that his players aren't playing the sport they are paid millions of dollars to play.

LuLu hopes to have less lemons for his week 2 matchup. Well, more so just higher floors out of Kyler Murray, Davante Adams, Mark Andrews, and Jaxon Please-Don't-Make-Me-Type-His-Last-Name. If CMC can go, Smeagles will also look to score his first dub of the season while also passing the coveted Malort trophy honor for the first time this season. For those keeping track, Calvin Ridley and Keenan Allen are ranked outside of the top 50--that's definitely NOT precious.

Terminator Trevor takes on Detroit Lines in a somewhat even match. This is still a big game since total PFs count for end of season tiebreakers! Burrow will certainly look to bounce back in Kansas City, and we still don't know if AI understands the run game yet, so all eyes are on the trio of White, Warren, and Zeke.

Beerserkers looks to capitalize on a stunning start. He'll be playing another top performer in Haribo. Nevertheless, it's the first week that Abigail will be without her first round pick, Nicaragua, as she calls him. (She swears it's not a race thing - but even so, don't send this out as a writing sample to recruiters.) Can Tyreek Hill stay red hot against Buffalo on a short week? What about Jayden Reed (or famed political commentator Joy Reed; credit Haribo fantasy football nicknames)--is he the real deal? This could be matchup of the week if both teams light up the scoreboard.

The Stroud Boys and Jimmy Da Kid squads face-off to each grab their first victory. We know Dak can be better, and despite scoring 18 points, Stroud almost threw two INTs last week. Jimmy wonders like all of us wonder, is JT a top tier running back on the Colts in 2024? And another thing: did Chris Olave and Mike Evans have some sort of Freaky Friday curse put on them before week 1??? Let's hope for Ron that Mike doesn't regress to his mean like in past seasons. The possibilities here are tantalizing for both of these rookie Fellowship managers.

Super Mario--McConkey Kong! If Katie's truly off to a strong start, she may have gotten a break on the schedule as she plays the weakest link of the league: Spaghetti Mafia. The Godfather this team is not. All of these Goodfellas played bad--and they smell-a! It's possible that Kupp and Gibbs can anchor this squad, but guys like Marvin Harrison Jr. need to prove that they don't flat out stink. I won't kill the Mafia too hard on this last preview. A lot of criminals start out with small time stuff, so maybe we can say the same, here? Or maybe Zach better pray that Katie's too busy getting ready for her wedding than worrying about optimizing her video game, brick-smashing squad.

That about does it, folks!

For all those in states with winter, this is the best part of the year so enjoy it while you can. Pumpkin spice and everything Rashee Rice! Good luck this week, and stay thirsty my friends.