Week 11: Down, Down the Playoff Road

Is 11 O’clock the witching hour? Because there were a lot of upsets in the Fellowship in Week 11. Halloween might be over, but break out the black cats and broken mirrors from storage. I'm about to read your tarot cards, look at your zodiac signs and tell you why you won or lost this week!

Dropped from rankings: Haribo Lecter

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

GOONER OF THE WEEK:

It feels like it was only a matter of time before we honored this week’s GOTW. If this award existed in 2021, they would have been a Top Tier Gooner. Mostly because during the Super Bowl they stayed outside of the team locker room to watch the half time show.

That’s right, this week’s gooner is none other than “shoota” Evan McPherson.

Maybe Doofus McGoo should focus up and not miss three potential game-winning-ish field goals. The Bengals already have a shocking losing record on the season, and Joey B is putting up MVP numbers. The pure waste of potential is one that will be studied heavily in the off season.

Look you gotta feel bad for Joe. When he’s healthy, he’s a stud… and it sucks to watch this all go down the drain because the Bengals have a crap defense and a kicker who’d rather kick it to Dr. Dre than be with the team. Ursuline grad Tony Hinchcliffe should have directed his comments towards the Bengals D/ST, because they are the ones who are an island of garbage.

Rest of recap time.

Haribo Lecter vs. Spaghetti Mafia: The Lions Lovers trounce the Knight of Cousins

Abigail almost hit a gypsy this week, resulting in a curse on her Fantasy Team. How else do you explain Kirk Cousins’ under 6 point performance, paired with duds from Kyren Williams and Devonta Smith? Meanwhile, Zach's Gemini, ie Jahmyr Gibbs and David Montgomery pummeled our favorite gummy bear. Abigail drew a tarot card in desperation, only to see it was the Jacksonville Death card! Unfortunately, her own defense buried her -15 points underground while Zach dined by the tombstone.

Philadelphia Smeagles vs Bodega Cat: She's into Superstitions, Bodega Cats and Smeagle Dolls

We all know Dom loves himself some Craps. So when he came up to the table and saw Josh’s chips, he decided to go all in. But that’s how old Smeagleford gets you: he waits until your guard is down. Josh’s hand was steady as he rolled Purdy, McCaffrey, Worthy and Robinson. Dom hit big on Allen and Downs, only for the classic Etienne/Wilson snake eyes to rear its ugly head. Dom bet it all on Rico Dowdle… but the casino light was in his eyes and he barely hit the table. Josh kissed his lucky ring and left with a king’s ransom while Dom has to explain to his wife why they will be dining at Denny’s instead of Nobu.

RawbPeeple vs. Jimmy da Kid: Icarus Gets Burned by His Boyhood Friend

Rob didn’t pull any punches against the man he sponsored to enter the Fellowship. The vaunted franchise tried to lock up our aspiring rookie with insane performances from St. Brown, Ekeler and… Dissly? But Jimmy da Icarus fitted his wings and rode the tailwinds of Jonnu Smith and Tee Higgins, almost eclipsing Rob. Close, but no cigar. The light of Tank Dell rained down on Jimmy, melting his wings and sending his season into the ocean. Meantime, Rob lit his cigar with those rays, knowing he’s still in playoff contention.

Sacks in the City vs. Beerserkers: My Season is in Retrograde

It pains me to give Alyssa the matchup of the week, but it embodies this theme too well. I thought I was in for a W when my sweet Prince, Jayden Daniels rolled up in a stage coach to pick me up. It was going swell until the carriage turned into a pumpkin. Unshackling my workhorses, I rode Josh Jacobs to a solid lead, then switched over to DeAndre Hopkins. Big mistake. Hopkins left me stranded in the woods, which is exactly where Alyssa and her band of brigands were hiding. The suddenly relevant MVS darted at me under cover of darkness, dropping 17 points. Tua inhaled smelling salts, off putting his CTE and leading to a real QB performance. At the end, it was up to Quinton Johnston, a gamble in his own right. Home body dropped a touchdown, securing the lead! Although the Chargers were in a contest against the Bengals, he knew he had bested the Beerserkers. A superstitious man himself, Johnston took off his gloves rather than risking a fumble. I don't know where you paid tribute, Alyssa, but it worked. Mrs. Mirto remains in playoff contention while the Beerserkers notch a 3rd game to the losing streak.

Lulu Lemons vs. Detroit Lines: Lulu Bets Against the Money Line and Loses

This was a clash of the Titans. Alex’s previous lemons actually ripened up this week. Breece Hall torched the field while Devante Adams actually showed some signs of life. Jess’s champion, Saquon Barkley continued to beast, but Derrick Henry faltered. The yellow side of the colosseum cheered, thinking Alex had finally slain the beast. Oh,mortal, thou art formidable, but Jess hath the favor of the Gods. The Lines were turned into Bengals, with Joe Burrow picking apart Alex’s army and putting their meat on the altar of the East. It was a worthy sacrifice to the Fantasy Gods.

The Algorithm vs. McConkey Kong: The Algorithm Miscalculates the Queen of the Jungle

The Terminator entered the jungle thinking he would torch it and continue building his machine empire to the playoffs. Trevor let out a steely, mechanical laugh when Katie trotted out Taysom Hill to face him. A.I. couldn’t replicate laughter for long. Since the Sagittarius cycle (and Katie’s birthday) is near, Hill was super charged, blasting away at Trevor from every angle of the field. Centaur Herbert fired arrows at his circuit, sending the calibrated performances of Lamar, Warren and Lamb off kilter.Trevor already had the red rings of death,but Joe Mixon embodied Katie’s fire sign and absolutely torched him, leading to the highest score of the week at 168.2.

Gooning With All Mahomies vs. Stroud Boys: It’s Your Birthday if You’re a Penistarius

Ron’s rookie Tight End Trump danced his way into a 31.8 point red wave, while Jameson Williams had a PED free field day. But Tony was wearing his lucky Gooning shirt, and sometimes that’s all it takes. The MaHomies overturned Ron’s erection win , Nixing him and Chasing him down before giving him the old Courtland Sutton. That’s no Njoku! Sorry Stroud Boys, but it’s hard to overturn the results when your Kicker outscores your QB.

Jess looks to have almost secured the one seed and East (and the Aragorn Crown), while Katie has edged me out as the West’s leader by points for. But nothing is for sure yet folks! There’s even scenarios where Josh and Jimmy make it to the playoffs (but don’t get your hopes up, fellas). As things stand, Jess is the only team that has clinched a playoff bid while 11 teams are competing for 7 spots to the dance. Rob will play Grim Reaper next week, with 6 teams on bye. Then I’ll give you something to be thankful for with no teams on bye for Week 13! Rob will bring back the black plague with 6 teams on bye just before the playoff for some rematch revenge. Watch the waiver wire, set your lineups, and above all else… join us in the Discord you fucking squares!

Tom, out.