Week 13: A Younghoe Koo Thanksgiving

We’ve made it through another Thanksgiving. Now time for the next best holiday eve… yup, that’s right! We’re already at the EVE of the playoffs.

Now, I’m personally thankful for anyone on the cusp of making the playoffs NOT setting their lineups this week, so I can compete in the top 8 this year. Please? With whipped cream on top of pie???

That’s right! I’m resorting to e-begging in the newsletter. It’s as good as, if not better than, the holiday food drives for the needy! Spare some waivers? Drop some key players?

While you ponder how you’ll feed a playoff-hungry Rawb, let’s recap a STUFFED Thanksgiving weekend of matchups.

Dropped from rankings: N/A

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

GOONER OF THE WEEK:

As the old saying goes, “My old woman may be lame, but my Younghoe Koo”. And last year when I came up with this quote (in “Week 4: Love is a battlefield” newsletter by the way), Koo was an absolute stud. He was fresh off of a 20 point game and couldn’t be stopped. But boy, how a season changes things.

Really, we are watching Koo become the next Zach right before our eyes. One day you’re kicking the ground & completely missing the ball, and the next you are never setting your line up and leaving Omarion Hampton, giving out free wins (Mamdani style) to teams allowing them to make the playoffs while your team just simply loses. Like, c’mon, Zach, quit kicking the ground.

Koo is now a former shell of himself and really has no Seoul in his kicks anymore. We have better chances of finding him off an NFL roster and competing in the squid games for money.

It’s gotten to watching your dad get knocked out levels of sad.

The Algorithm vs. Detroit Lines

The league manager killing machine’s RB room was the only protein in this meal. Even Bam Knight cooked up some turkey from the Algorithm bench. The rest of his team? Not so tasty. Dart petered out on MNF as turnovers and giveaways killed the G men’s time of possession. The Lines kept this suck-off MU real close. Despite a blowout against the Vikings, Darnold amassed a measly 3.22 points. That’s barely enough to season a dish! You know your Thanksgiving dinner’s cold when David Montgomery has the most points on your roster. Trev’s revving his team up for the playoffs, and he’s also secured another regular-season top finish! A revenge season is best served cold indeed. On the flip side, Detroit has a tough matchup against Rawb next week. She needs to win for her best-case scenario (plus any cusp teams at 6-7 like Rawb leading her in PF to lose). Algorithm won’t have CMC next week, and that might help the LuLu Lemons in a big win or go home matchup.

The Movie Chef vs. RawbPeople

Tony wanted to finish Rawb off like he was the new Tom Holland in Spider-Man. But the RawbPeople banded together and avoided that absolute worst case scenario. With the help of everyone [except for fucking you Isaiah Hodges] the good guys won… but barely. The first course was just enough, but there were plenty of leftovers in the fridge as Chuba finally looked like the guy managers everywhere drafted. Boom or bust receivers aside, the turkey weekend game ball goes to Kimani Vidal and his Rambo O Line. They played like true brothers of steel, chomping through turkey breast and bone. Them boys ate. Tony, meanwhile, still looks to play spoiler for his last matchup of the season. Burrow is the consensus-ranked QB6 heading into a crucial Week 14, according to ESPN, and that bodes well for a Rawb who needs to not only win but stack some points and make up ground in a competitive eighth-seed free-for-all brawl. He’ll face Jess, who will most likely be without the Sun God due to an ankle sprain, as well as Hunter Henry (on bye).

Spaghetti Mafia vs. McConkey Kong

The Mafia slid into an execution this week. Some might say self-imposed with Omarion on IR staying in place in the lineup! Regardless, the Kongs had their tommy guns trained, gutting through this pasta-eating team like swiss cheese. The bleeding didn’t stop there. Melting like Ricotta, the continuing slide from pop-off grace came from none other than…Lamar? While Singletary would’ve helped the criminals con their way to a victory, Katie appears to have secured her first playoff berth in Fellowship history. Congrats! Jeanty, Chase, and Pickens have been big for her roster this year. The Seahawks D also cleaned up this past weekend, picking off New Hampshire U alum Maxwell Brosmer enough for a four-piece, serving up two legs, a breast, and the wing. ESPN calculates that the goombas have a 1% chance to make the playoffs. They’re huge underdogs next week against the Bodega Cats. Win or lose against the Smeagles this weekend, Katie’s spot is secured.

Beerserkers vs. The Philadelphia Smeagles

Josh! Josh! Josh! That’s what Pat Dowling, famed wasteland musician, is chanting in a rundown Boston bar. He held off a Beerserker charge that came down to the wire on MNF. AJ Brown brought the candied YAMS, serving up a sweet BOOM. He’s now scored 60 total points in the last two weeks alone. Unfortunately, Diggs, Maye, and Robinson pulled a Younghoe Koo (it’s the great jackass Charlie Brown!) and hit turf before they could either tie or surpass the Smeagles. Things just got interesting! A famed ghoul (and Gollum) of this league, Josh now controls his own destiny and can secure a playoff spot with a win and enough PF to edge out any other fighting managers that finish with a 7-7 record. The Beerserkers will play for the second overall seed, and their squad will have the chance to make just desserts of Sacks in the City in the final regular-season matchup.

Sacks in the City vs. LuLu Lemons

Well, that was a buffet on one side, and complete starvation on the other. A high floor performance from almost everyone not named Woody Marks chipped in for the Lemons as this team’s roster has been sweeter than southern sweet tea all season long. This Thanksgiving all but proves it! Bijan’s now got 30-plus booms in two of the last three weeks. Trey McBride’s also been cooking, serving up a TE’s gravy recipe. It’s so good that it’s getting close to equaling the rave reviews from the taste test last year (that means he’s TE number one, and he may pass his PPR total from last season). Aside from Achane and Jakobi Meyers, Alyssa’s horses (or dressy penguins) couldn’t keep up. The city’s been starved for wins, as she’s now lost three in a row. The PF race is really tight. A low-scoring fourth loss in a row against Tom coming up would even bar her from a spot in the bracket. Those chances are luckily low!

Haribo Lecter vs. Average Boes

Tasting worse than canned cranberry sauce, this matchup was bland af. Both teams underperformed the projections. Hope ya’ll took the under in FanDuel. Bust weeks from Etienne, Henderson, and JSN left Haribo hungry for more than just gummy bears. All the Boes could find in their pantry was a helping of Doubs, Sutton, and the solid floor and well-coached Bo Nix. All that and a bag of chips was enough to whet an average appetite and keep Ron’s playoffs alive… only slightly. Abigail’s going to the playoff Christmas dinner… in fact, I’m 99% sure she’s on the guest list. All jokes aside, and Haribo’s got plenty of them for every player, she’s matched up with Jimmy next. His odds are slim to none. The Boes will need less of a miracle. He's the underdog against Tony, yet he’ll still need a lot of other bubble teams to lose their lunch for a wasteland playoff dinner date.

Jimmy Da Kid vs. Bodega Cat

Looks like Jimmy’s still at the kids' table this year. Better luck next Thanksgiving. The Bodega Cats monSTAR team continues to rake in the high-scoring dubs with a pop-off performance. He’s tied for first with the Beerserkers, the number one conference record in sight as he has the edge in total points scored. I bet he’s REAL happy he won Rashee Rice off me! Seriously, Rice made mashed potatoes and squash of Nico, Shakir, and Brian Thomas Jr. That’s my frontrunner for most consistently disappointing player drafted. He’s currently ranked 55th on the Fallout WR tracker. Bomb after bomb all year, folks. The Cat will be clawing his way to one more victory next up against Zach and the mafia, while Jimmy plays for pride against Abigail.

If you believe in any god or an afterlife in this wasteland, then it’s time to pray as much as you can.

No excuses ! Do your research, set those lineups, and then sweat all weekend long.

There are five 6-7 teams. It’s winning time.

Good luck… and please… leave one slice of pumpkin playoff pie for Rawb this year.