Week 13: One Last Push to Break the Playoff Wall

When the Pilgrims of the West joined the Natives of the East for Thanksgiving, there was harmony in the Fellowship for the first time since the off season. Every team took their seats at the table and bowed their heads as Commissioner Dom said grace. After he concluded, everyone looked up to be served. However, there was a slight inconvenience: there were 14 guests but only 8 playoff spots. Pandemonium broke out, with each team quarreling with the contender next to them for a seat at the playoff table.

Dropped from rankings: Spaghetti Mafia

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

GOONER OF THE WEEK:

There’s death, taxes, and Jamies Winston being an absolute gooner. I swear, this man is an anchor being to our gooner-verse.

Even at the start of the game, this man can’t even be serious about his intro. It’s 2024 and this man is still trying to eat a W.

Despite throwing for over 400 yards and three TD’s, this man looked like he had his old pre-lasik eyes from when he was on the Bucs. (and some joke here, he thought his head coach was black).

But that did not stop him from throwing 2 pick 6’s and costing his team the game - But to be fair, the Broncos were running that classic Tim Wallz defense.

Nonetheless Jameis only hope that the lord can deliver him from throwing dots to the ops.

Maybe he can continue this goontastic run. But until then, he'll just have to keep eating snow instead of dubs.

Detroit Lines vs. RawbPeeple:

Let’s get this one out of the way, Jess already had a spot in the playoffs. Despite already having a plate, she had Najee Harris and Saquan Barkley hold him down. Devon Achane and Nick Westbrook-Zuccine tried to put up a fight, but it was no use. Jess took a rolling pin to our loveable Rawb’s heart while she feasted on deep fried one seed. Now our Rawb will have to fight for his life to make it to the dance. Even if he makes it in, he may have to face Jess again in round 1, a pit few have crawled out of.

Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Beerserkers:

Josh might’ve been eliminated from the playoffs, but he wasn’t going quietly into that goodnight. Mr. Wakeford started off the week with a shocking 24.3 point appetizer from Keenan Allen in the second half! Home body never stopped feasting, with solid performances from Nico Collins and Brian Robinson Jr. I left my Jayden Daniels, Tyreek Hill and Brian Thomas Jr. in the oven, while Baked Mayfield gave me indigestion. Josh’s appetite was slowed by a CMC injury, but the damage was already done. Josh goes into Week 14 as a successful spoiler, while I still have to earn a playoff spot. Maybe I’ll take the time to cook a better lineup so I can actually whip up a recap where I win.

Jimmy da Kid vs. Bodega Cat:

Jimmy, however, IS going quiet into that good night. The League morgue played a dead Tommy DeVito to give Dom a layup victory. Dom still served up a solid 123 point hurting on our glazed Jimmy, with Rico Dowdling with the leftovers. Not much to see here, other than the fact that Dom is now within striking distance of winning the West for the second season in a row.

The Algorithm vs. Gooning with All Mahomies:

Trevor and Tony both shot blanks to start things off, with Kareem Hunt and CeeDee Lamb both pudding out. But suddenly, both teams really started cooking. Trevor carved out a beautiful, braised Lamar Jackson. Not to be outdone, Tony pulled a marvellous N-Jell-O-Ku from the fridge. Trevor turned into a Terminator oven, broiling an implausible Dallas Defense/ Fairbairn combo. Tony Bo Nixed it late in the game, but had already served up a steaming hot Ja’marr Baste. This cook off was so close we had Gordon Ramsey examine their final meals. After a long speech about how the rest of the league served prison food, he produced his final ratings for our chefs: Trevor 117.88, Tony 118.26. The gooners have officially splooged their way to the playoffs, while our defending champion has a mountain to climb to reclaim his throne.

Lulu Lemons vs. Haribo Lecter:

Yet another flavorful, in-division food fight! Abigail nailed Alex with a Kyren Williams touchdown, which we all forgot was a real thing. The TD’s kept coming, with Trey McRib and Doubled Jayden Reed peppering Alex. Not to be outdone, our Lemon busted out the Clucky Irving and Marbled Andrews, finally showing Abigail what James was really Cooking!!! This was an impressive 134-123 point faceoff, but Alex is the one coming home with a playoff berth, while Abigail will be eating table scraps with the rest of us.

Stroud Boys vs. Spaghetti Mafia:

This was a must win for Ron, and boy did he treat it as such. Crock Bowers, Jakobean Meyers and Malik Helpers really showed out for them Boys. The normally hungry Jamyr Gibblets and David Mont-hungry unfortunately ate before this matchup, stifling their appetites.Even his Mc-Wide Receivers couldn’t bail him out of this eating competition, as Ron snacked on an Aaron Jones dub with ease, notching the highest score of the week. Ron’s playoff appetite remains alive, while Zack’s team, which has usually been certified fresh, has spoiled a bit at the wrong time.

Sacks in the City vs. McConkey Kong:

Katie thought she had a good recipe, but her QB was Justin Herburnt. Meanwhile, Alyssa’s pickled Tua brains were a surprise hit at the table. Katie's ingredients kept letting her down, with a sour Jeremy McPickles and a dry, Deep Fried Metcalf. Alyssa, meanwhile, got very adequate performances in the biggest coast this week. Then, Taysom Hill randomly died at the table, meaning Alyssa didn’t even need to serve up a kicker. Alyssa will likely make it to the playoffs since she faces Jimmy next week, While Katie needs to hurtle past Commissioner Dom to vault into the postseason.

With Thanksgiving behind us, we now have the final week of the regular season. But be warned, a Ghost of Christmas Past stands between you and playoff glory. Here’s a preview of Week 14.

Gooning With All Mahomies vs. Beerserkers

The Beerserkers have ‘Nam flashbacks from the beatdown they received from Tony. Will I get redemption or will the Gooners maintain the erection?

Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Spaghetti Mafia

A replay of rivalry week, Josh won their last matchup handily. Can Josh play ultimate spoiler or can David Montgomery make all the difference?

Haribo Lecter vs. The Algorithm

These two had an incredible matchup of the week in their last showdown, with Abigail coming out on top. Will Trevor be able to defend his championship or will Haribo banish him like Sauron?

Detroit Lines vs. Lulu Lemons

Another former matchup of the week, Alex must play dragon slayer to secure a good playoff seed. Jess can take the week off and nothing changes.

Stroud Boys vs. Rawb Peeple

Rob took a close L in his last match up with Ron, but both of these teams are very different now. With both squads having everything to play for, we should all break out the popcorn for the reunion.

Sacks in the City vs. Jimmy da Kid

The Final MacSucken’ match-up of the year. Jimmy quit, Alyssa would have to upset God to lose this matchup. Congrats, Mrs. Mirto.

Bodega Cat vs. McConkey Kong

Bet Dom thought he had a layup when he scheduled Katie as his double up. He beat her last time, but Katie’s cold hand could turn boiling hot with both the Cats and Kongs having everything on the line.

The regular season finale is here, folks! Only five open spots remain, with all matchups yet to be decided. The excitement is mounting as seeding will soon be solidified. Good luck, godspeed and hail to the Fellowship.

Tom