Week 14: Gotta Catch 'em Off Guard

Alright ladies and gentlemen: it's the regular season finale. It feels like just yesterday when we were all gathered in Tony's living room, walking up with our draft cards and then sitting around for half an hour waiting for other people to debate their life choices. But a lot has changed since then. Each of us played each other at least once with varying outcomes, but one person was your Gary. What do I mean by Gary? In Pokémon Red and Blue, Gary was your first opponent, although a rematch was inevitable. He always picked the pokémon type that was strongest against your starter. Although all of us have rivals, one team just happened to be your Gary this year. Maybe you were the kid who mashed tackle repeatedly and lost outright. Or perhaps you were more clever, using tailwhip to weaken his defenses, only to wipe out their starter in one fell swoop at the end. Half of us won and half of us lost that last matchup. But your Gary stood between you and the playoffs. So whip out your Pokedex, and leave Pallet Town behind. Because the Indigo Plateau awaits!

Playoff Brackets:

Let’s take a look at our official road to Mordor and who will be playing for the worst team in the league! Graphics will be updated for the remainder of the playoffs.

Dropped from rankings:

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

Bodega Cat vs Spaghetti Mafia

Officer Jenny!? I'd like to report some Poké abuse! After playing Omarion Haunter on IR last week, Zach's ghost finally showed up, cursing Dom with almost 15 points. Not to mention, Lamar served as Zach's Blaziken, catching fire once more. But Dom had some firepower too, with his ArDak and Josh Jacobs Graveler putting up good numbers, but less than expected. Marvin Harrison Jr ended up being a Psyduck for Zach, laying an egg. Brandon Aubrey Hitmonlee kicked it into gear, delivering a 24-point punishment with his leg. It was then that Dom revealed that he had found the legendary Mewchael Wilson. An unseen wide receiver taking the top spot in the position with a legendary performance. All this, despite Jonathan Taylor playing Articuno and freezing up. Although Zach didn't dud out, this was certainly the beatdown of the week. This victory jettisoned Dom into the top spot in the west, fittingly burying Zach to last place in the division.

Lulu Lemon vs The Algorithm

With both Jaxon Dart and Christian McCaffrey being on bye, it looked as if Alex had a clear path to beating our resident steel gym leader. Alex rode the Miami Lapras and Jason Mudkip for 32 points combined. Even his SudoWoody Marks put up a decent performance. That's when Trevor's Scyther Irving and Joe Spearow soared, putting up their own almost 40 point launch. All this, while Alex's Bijon Moltreson, smoldered at less than 10 points, with DK’lectabuzz, shocking Alex in the water. His own ElLaddtrode just shorted out. And with that, the dreams of our own Pokémon champion fizzled out against Trevor's well-assembled poké squad.

McConkey Kong vs Philadelphia Smeagles

Josh's hot streak came head-to-head against McConkey Kong in the Safari Zone. First round dud matched first round dud, with Justin Jefforita and Ashton Jeantorterra as these starter Pokémon disappointments. That being said, Caleb Williams put on his lipstick and wig to look like Jynx, planting 15 points on Josh's lips. But Josh's own staple, Matthew Staffarizard, lifted him up with 23.44 points. That's when Katie's resident Primape, Chase Brown, unleashed an almost 19-point pummeling, as she rode the Seattle Pelipeppers to victory. Josh had been riding AJeotto Brown to the playoffs, but he just couldn't soar as high as Katie. Katie now makes her first ever playoff appearance, at an impressive 9 - 5 record. But as one dream continues, another one closes, as Josh will have to wait until next season for a shot at the playoffs.

RawbPeople vs Detroit Lines

Some matchups of the week are chosen because they're close. Others are chosen because of a high combined point total. But this particular matchup had everything riding on it. Both Rob and Jess were cornered into a win-and-in situation. Jess's Zubat Teslaa, disoriented Rob with a screeching surprise touchdown. Not to mention her sun Pokémon, Solrock St. Brown, and her bruiser David Montortle, gave Jess an early lead. Things looked even worse when Rob's starter pokémon, Ja’Magmar, only spit up embers. That's when Rob pulled out his master ball and summoned his secret weapon: Josh Arceus, the god of all fantasy footballmon! This Poké God put up the highest point total for a player this week at 38.54 points. Surprisingly though, Jess withstood this divine damage and almost made Rob look foolish. But Rob's roster wasn't exhausted. His last ditch effort was in the form of Crobat and Scorbunny, DeVonta Smith and Kimani Vidal. Although not impressive individually, the duo managed to put in enough damage to finally deplete Jess's playoff HP. This was a huge win for the Rawblins, ending a 3-year playoff drought and sending him back to the dance! Meanwhile, Jess will have to visit nurse Joy and heal up after this cataclysmic setback.

Jimmy da Kid vs Haribo Lecter

If you haven't noticed, I like to rag on Zach for leaving injured players in. But Abigail played two guys on their bye week! Talk about Patriots loyalty. Although basically eliminated from the playoffs, Jimmy played League mascot Patrick MaPikachu. But just like the Pikachu in the games, his performance was totally pedestrian. Speaking of pedestrian, Breece Hallucario didn't live up to his legendary status either. And don't even get me started on Juwan Coffing. While Jimmy was wheezing on his team's performance, Abigail played Pukachu! This wasn't the game Pikachu, but the anime one that somehow gets a 36-point Deus ex machina to win battles, even against rock Pokémon (like seriously, way to undercut the game mechanics). Then she reigned death from above, unleashing Jackson Smith-Noctowl to unleash a barrage of dark flying attacks. Then she used a thunderstone to turn Travis Eevee into Travis Jolteon, sparking an absolute thunderbolt of 21 points. Even Jimmy's Christian PollyWatson couldn't save him. Much to Rob's chagrin, Abigail's lackadaisical playstyle lands her in the playoffs and Jimmy into the toilet bowl games.

In fitting fashion, Jimmy started and ended the season with the MacSucken’ in a weird reversal of Lord of the Rings lore. Bottoms up, I guess.

Sacks in the City vs Beerserkers

There's a lot of history in this rematch. Alyssa and I both first visited Professor Oak in 2020. Since then, we were each other's opening match in 2023, and even had a playoff bout last year. The Beerserkers started off hot, with Jahmyr Gapdos’ electrifying performance looking like a thunderstorm at 37 points. Even Jake Ferguskhan pulled a respectable 11 points out of his front pouch. Despite the Beerserker's maintaining a lead, Alyssa's squad was gaining ground. Tee Ho Oh and De’von Arcanine also put up numbers while Davante Adams and Terry McLaurin looked like they devolved into Ratatas. Kyren Umbreon scored a sneaky shadow touchdown to keep me relevant. This one came down to Monday Night Football with Justin Herbert serving as Blastoise and Saquon Barkley appearing like the lesser starter, Venusaur. Herbert’s hydro pump was running dry without an offensive line shell, but Barkley lashed out a solid 52-yd touchdown run. This game going to overtime really looked like it might put Alyssa over… but her team simply couldn't pull through. The Beerserkers now have the 3 seed, while Alyssa needs to use a hyper potion after a four-game losing streak. That being said, she still limps into the playoffs.

Average Boes vs The Movie Chef

I decided to save this one for last, as most people don't want to play their 6th Pokémon (or in this case, 7th). Tony had the chance to play ultimate spoiler against an Average Boes team that has been up and down. Rashid Sableye put up a sneaky 21 points. But so many other players in this matchup, like Travis Kelce, Zac Ertz, Romeo Doubs, and Quinten Johnston all look like a bunch of diglets to me. Bodrio Nix managed to put in a decent 16 points, while Harold Fanninkarp evolved into Gyarados, shredding Tony with a 26-point monsoon. This one came to Monday Night Football, with Jake the snake Ekans injecting Ron with 16 points worth of venom. But what do you get when you mix trash and rubbish? Trubbish! The absolute worst Pokémon ever created. And that's exactly what Jalen Hurts was. He somehow managed to perform the first-ever negative four-point play. No touchdown pass, no rushing touchdown, just pure garbage. But one man's trash is another man's treasure, as the Average Boes have managed to underachieve their way into the playoffs for the first time. Meanwhile, Tony will have to spoil someone's season by sending them to the Toilet Bowl.

Well there you have it, folks! The 2025 Regular Season Finale of Fellowship East and West (although I’ve heard the manga is better). Trevor wins both the East and the League, notching his second Aragorn Crown and second Eastern Divisional title. Dom wins his third Western Divisional title and ties me for most divisional titles. We have two playoff rookies, as Katie and Ron are new entries to the dance. Rob breaks his 3-year curse, getting his first shot at Mordor since 2021. This is also the second year in a row that a champion will be unable to defend their title. Last year's 2 seed (me) had a record of 8-6. However, this year, there are three 9-5 teams. Additionally, Zach was the only 7-7 team to make last year's playoffs. Three playoff teams this year have a .500 record.

Before we proceed, let’s pour some out for the teams that didn’t make the playoffs:

Lulu Lemons: Alex actually has more Points For than SIX playoff teams. Talk about a tough break. His exit guarantees the league will have a new champion.

Detroit Lines: Last year’s 1 seed comes crashing down to Earth. Jess went through a gauntlet of playing the top-scoring team three weeks in a row and couldn’t quite bounce back.

The Movie Chef: The 2025 draft host found himself in Fantasy Hell, losing 8 weeks in a row. Hopefully Tony can cook up a new draft strategy in the offseason. 

Philadelphia Smeagles: Josh was getting hot towards the end of the season. Unfortunately, if you live by AJ Brown, you die by AJ Brown.

Jimmy da Kid: Jimmy showed flashes of brilliance, but Brian Thomas Jr. and Tyreek Hill did him absolutely dirty.

Spaghetti Mafia: The grim reaper came for Zach. Then he reaped the rewards by playing the deceased.

Now, it’s the most wonderful time of the year… the Fantasy Football Playoffs! Let’s take a look at these head-to-head contests that are giving serious “any given Sunday” vibes:

Average Boes vs The Algorithm

We have a rivalry matchup in round one. Although this one is less like David vs Goliath and more like a Toyota Prius versus a speeding semi truck. Can Ron luck his way past a dominant Algorithm team?

Haribo Lecter vs McConkey Kong

This is my must-watch matchup of the week. Two evenly matched teams with shame over their husband’s head to win.

Sacks in the City vs Beerserkers

Alyssa's week 14 loss will be rewarded with another game against me. This is also a rematch of our playoff bout from last year. As the third time Alyssa and I face each other this season, this will serve as our tiebreaker.

RawbPeople vs Bodega Cat

Former commissioner versus current commissioner. Rob's curse breaking might be short-lived as he's now forced to play the best offense in the league in round one. However, some setbacks on the Bodega Cat roster will keep this one competitive.

Whether you're in the playoffs or in the toilet bowl tournament, we all play this game for pride. So do your research, set your lineup and join us in the Discord for some NSFW trash talk.

Best of luck!

Tom