Week 16: Happy HaNacua

Ho, ho, ho boys and girls! Merry Playoffs (or Toilet Bowl for those who celebrate). I know you're all sweating it out with work and family obligations, but I wanted to remind the league of the reason for the season: Fantasy Football. Why are you worrying about deadlines when our semis and defacto Conference championships rocked? And how can you be sad when Jimmy is going to have to pour Malort down his chimney because he was gifted the Macksucken? So let the elves in your lineup do the work while you pour some eggnog, kick back and see who made it on the naughty and nice lists.

Playoff Brackets:

Let’s take a look at our official road to Mordor and who will be playing for the worst team in the league! Graphics will be updated for the remainder of the playoffs.

Haribo Lecter vs the Algorithm

Was this the night before Nukemas? The night before Pukamas? Probably both! Puka deserves a holiday after the 48 point sack of presents he delivered for Abigail! Talk about making it rain Shekels. And Abigail's sleigh was led by JSN & Etienne with their scores so bright. Not even TreyVeon Henderson's concussion could slow this delivery down. Abigail lit up the scoreboard like a Christmas Tree, containing 138 presents! Algoneezer Scrooge could no longer ignore the Haribo Ghosts of Christmas Present invading his bed chamber. But they were far less Haunting than the Ghost of Lineups past, making Trevor relive the moment he decided to play Jaxson Dart. What a .02 point nightmare! Trevor never had the highest chimney, but his normally solid floor crumbed like a gingerbread man, as he failed to crack 100 points. Christian McCringleberry couldn't even wake AI Scrooge with his festive 33.3 points. Trevor is now guided by the Ghost of Fantasy Future to his 3rd place bout. Meanwhile, Abigail is entering the Championship like a New Year's Eve Party, with a snow balling team of heavy hitters. This is her 2nd trip to the Mordor Bowl, having lost to Dom in 2021. Is Dec. 25 her lucky number?

Beerserkers vs Bodega Cat

This is how it was always supposed to be. After winning the Rivalry Matchup of the Week, Beerserkers and Bodega Cat were destined to come face to face in the playoffs. The Beerserkers first woke up with some presents missing from under the tree, with little brothers Corum and Monangai stealing points out of Kyren and Swift's stockings. However, Emmanuel Wilson did the same thing to Josh Jacobs at the Bodega Cat household. McLaurin and Robinson turned out to be lumps of coal, but Jahmyr Gibbs quickly turned from being a bunny suit to a Red Rider BB Gun by adding 15 points in one drive. This one came down to Monday Night Football (again). Jonathan Taylor and George Kittle broke into the McSerker home like an actually competent Harry and Marv. They ransacked the place, racking up PPR and scoring a touchdown a piece. Bodega Cat was less than a point away from returning to the North Pole. That's when Jack Frost iced the red hot cats. Kittle agitated his candy cane and Old Man Rivers threw sugar plumbs instead of sending Taylor sledding. It was a ChristMaye Miracle, with a final score of 112.6 - 111.66! The Beerserkers and I survived by 0.94 points and will be taking the Polar Express to the Championship for the first time. Dom is frequently at the top of the nice list, but will have to settle for the 2nd toy on his letter to Santa, playing another former champion  for 3rd place. The Commissioner has informed  me that only .04 points separates our spread in total matchups. I'm a bit biased, but I'd say the Beerserker - Bodega Cat subplot is the best one in Love Rivalry.

Don't worry Toilet Bowlers, I didn't forget about you. Here's a look at the Coal Bowl Semifinals:

The Movie Chef vs Detroit Lines

We all know Tony was standing under the mistletoe following his bye week. He was dressed in his best Eagles sweater, while Jalen Hurts threw touchdowns to Dallas Goedert with Elf-like glee. Unfortunately, the punch bowl was spiked, turning Jake Elliott and the Ravens D into drunk, dead weight friends. Then Jess crashed the party, rolling into Movie Whoville like the Grinch. Chris Olave didn’t just steal presents, he incarcerated them with 37.3 thousand degree flames. David Montgomery and the Colts D might’ve been fruit cakes, but it didn’t ruin Jess’s Christmas as she gave Tony a good stuffing! Now the regular season last place finisher finds himself having a Blue Christmas in the Toilet Bowl.

Spaghetti Mafia vs Jimmy da Kid

Looks like Zach’s team is singing No L! The wise guys had themselves some 7 double digit fishes in this Christmas Story. Although no individual player really stood out, everybody pitched in for this group present. Jimmy’s team seems like they took a Christmas Vacation. The shitter was full, so Jimmy unloaded the tank, splattering the performances of JJ McCarthy, Christian Watson and Theo Johnson’s digested donut onto the pavement. Despite his best efforts, Zach avoids the toilet bowl, while Jimmy is taking the kids to the swimming pool.

There you have it folks, Four Christmases! This year’s Mordor Bowl is yet another East vs. West face off! Haribo Lecter takes on my Beerserkers, guaranteeing a first time champion will be crowned before the new year! Meanwhile, Macksucken holder Jimmy da Kid goes head to head against MackSucken frequent flyer Movie Chef! Will Abigail’s hot streak continue or will the Beerserkers rekindle their rage mode? Will Rob pay to ship our treasured toilet trophy? All those questions will be answered next week! So buckle up, set your lineups, and Rob will close out 2025 with the season finale!

Merry Christmas!

Tom