Week 3: Bomb's Away

Atom Bomb baby!!! Week 3 has dropped, or detonated like a Derrick Henry ill-timed fumble, and the dust is still settling (but my eyebrows haven't!).

On behalf of the RawbPeople, or the GhoulPEOPLE if you will, I hope to have a better performance with this recap than the NY Giants offense.

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Have you come to save our waiver wire picks, oh glorious king of the pop-offs, Tre Tucker? checks Tre's team

... the Raiders, huh? Good luck, The Movie Chef! May the grace of Jon Favreau, director of The Lion King, be with you.

Maybe being a ghoul isn't so bad after all...

Detroit Lines vs. RawbPeople

Speaking of game scripts, the Bills dispatched the Fins, and Allen's floor elevated, but that isn't enough in this 14-man apocalypse. Pollard shows life, and even Moore found paydirt, yet Chicago's offense looks more and more like Rome these days. Also, Luther Burden III?! WTF, that sounds like a fake name - in a sport that often has its fair share of FAKE names. Of course, the less said about Toe Burrow's burden, the better. Chase apparently fits right at home with the Rawblins, especially if they end up missing the playoffs again come season's end. The RawbPeople know the ghoul life all too well. His story was one of a twilight star before the Vault-Tec days, a regular Cooper Howard, winning Mickey Mouse championships and smiling for fantasy fellowship friendship. Go on, Coop, throw up your signature thumbs up! Meanwhile, the Detroit Lines bounced back in a big way with a strong dual-TE stack in TJ (in said Vikings blowout) and Hunter Henry, combining for more than 40 points together. No worthy? No problem. The power of Mjölnir showed up in the form of the Sun God and David Montgomery. This team, last year's rookie breakout, could be back on track with the second-highest point total of the week.

Next week: We'll see if the Browning and Chase slide continues as Rawb is the underdog against the Beerserkers. The Lines aren't favored against Jimmy, but bet against her squad at your own risk.

Average Boes vs. Beerserkers

The Boes tanked like a red shirt being raided on the surface at a federation crash site. In other words, a bunch of dead nobodies. All of those SPECIAL stats in luck really showed fuck-all this week, as the "Malik Nabers" build looked like it came with a busted controller after that SNF game. The Colts DST led the Average men, for shame. Courtland was a notable bright spot on the bench, wishing that the Travis Hunter hype would die already. And you'd wish that too if you had the displeasure of actually watching a Jaguars game from beginning to end. Da Beers(erkers) had some mini pop-offs with Kyren, Jake Ferguson, and NOT Wan'Dale. The Giants are the worst faction in this timeline as they've clearly given away Brotherhood of Steel warriors Danny Dimes and Saquon to vaults unknown. Hey, there's always Dart.

Next week: Boes will take on the Smeagles, and the Beerserkers host the Rawblins (may Gibbs and Drake Maye sleep in and miss their games entirely).

The Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Sacks in the City

Smeagle doesn't have many friends. AJ Brown and James Cook showed up to party with Gollum, but Colston, Tyrone Tracy, and my love Chris Boswell declined the week 3 invite. On that note, Jordan Mason has arrived this season, and he brought all of his Minnesota defenders with him. It led to the Sacks scoring 8 more points than what they originally projected for her! Floor performances from the rest of her pack were all that was needed to bring home the W. Sacks is now 3-0, and she's got a cute new skirt in her logo too! Thanks, Commish, for your branding help. You're helping all of us look more presentable in this era. The league continues to grow. Maybe someone can tell me where Field Yates is shacking up in this wasteland. If he's in another vault, we'd love a shoutout!

Next week: The Smeagles still have Cook and Warren in their RB room so he'll look to get back to .500 against the favored Boes. Sacks is a slight underdog against AI.

LuLu Lemons vs. The Algorithm

The last two champions went head-to-head in what was shaping up to be a competitive battle in the wasteland. However, it was really CMC and Keenan Allen that soured the lemonade. Daniel Jones may be 3-0, and wow, what a story, but gamescripts like that blowout also mean a floor-like performance. Wilson was the high man on LuLu's squad in an otherwise mild Jets game for the rest of that offense. It simply wasn't enough. Even Zay Flowers couldn't keep the Algorithm down. Every player did just enough mathematically to keep this season rolling. The dogs have lost two in a row, and the machines are undefeated...and that was with a nuclear Mark Andrews taking it easy on the bench.

Next week: AI is favored against the adorable Penguin Sacks in the City. LuLu's heavily favored for a bounce-back win against Haribo.

Spaghetti Mafia vs. Haribo Lecter

Gather around the Vault cafeteria! Those Italian-sponsored players are serving up Ls to the gummy bears. While not quite gelatinous soft, the Lecter's G-Bears did bend (not break) during week 3 as the rest of the team couldn't match Nacua, JSN, and Michael Pittman's three-headed hydra charge. Psh, if these guys can keep this rolling, then the rest of the league might need to watch out! Then again, if Penix stays limp, this team may toil and despair all season. The mafia showed some spirit and moxie as Cam Skattebo and Omarion Hampton finished in the top rankings for RBs this week. Plus! Dicker and the Bucs defense helped cover for Hunter Renfrow (former Raider) being a literal steaming-hot, sun-melting trash heap. The Movie Chef only hopes that Tucker can be the better Raider WR this season.

Next Week: Spaghetti matches up against the Chef in a very delicious matchup next week. Haribo looks to make up ground against the Lemons!

McConkey Kong vs. Jimmy Da Kid

Welp. Our season's auto draft roster is 2-1, don't ya know. I'm not salty, I just have some dust from the canned food pantry in my eyes. These are tears of hunger, NOT blind rage. Caleb, Pickens, and Ricky came to play this week, division buddies, backed up by the Seahawks defense. Jimmy's team didn't blow up. They also didn't pop off either. Nico seems like the only bright spot for a shambling Texans offense, and Tyreek looks like someone who belongs on land, running routes and catching balls with his hands. Conner is out for the rest of the season, so perhaps these winning days will be but a distant memory as the RB field on waivers is thinner than the ghoulash we're being force fed in the vault.

Next Week: McConkey and a fired-up Caleb Williams will look to see if they can keep this successful campaign rolling against the favored Cats. And Jimmy's got the projections on his side for his matchup against Detroit.

The Movie Chef vs. Bodega Cat

Chef was as anemic this week as the Boes. Hurts threw his own bows, mounting a comeback in a wild matchup. The rest of his team, unfortunately, looked like they were grounded birds with broken wings. Henry would've needed 40 points to just get within striking distance at 120 to even sniff a Bodega Cat butthole. And what a hole! The Bodega Cats didn't need power armor as they exploded through the whole and got to the second level with their second straight victory. JT was vintage! He came in with 3 TDs on the ground and finished as the number one overall RB this week. Smith was good for his patented ceiling score of 20 points flat, and Walker wasn't far behind. CeeDee going down isn't great for the Cats. The only silver lining is that he does have Waddle waiting for a shot. Next man up mentality still applies to the wasteland, I guess.

Next Week: Chef has the under against Mafia, and the Cats lead McConkey Kong in the projections.

That about does it for this week. Tune in next week as I petition our vault overseer to force Cris Collinsworth to call every pro game. We'll start by raiding Tony Romo's vault. You can beat the RawbPeople in fantasy, but you can't beat the RAWBLINS and their horde of radrats!