Week 3's a Crowd

Week Three’s a Crowd Denny.

Breaking News! This just in as we wrap up week three. If you’re angry about your team not performing to your expectations so far this year…just remember that you’re probably not going to be shaking as much as Brett Favre. Because he has Parkinson’s.

Imagine one day we get a remake of Lord of the Rings like the upcoming Harry Potter series we’re going to get without anyone asking. In our Fellowship universe, Tommy Wiseau is the REAL Sauron. Who else could script Jauan Jennings as the number one overall leader in fantasy points scored in week three?! Certainly not Brandon Aiyuk fans, amiright. And what about Chuba Hubbard finding himself in the top five RBs this week? Oh and Trevor Lawrence becomes the first player to throw an interception to a dead person? You are tearing me apart fantasy!

But enough with the “Lord of the Rooms” crossovers—what is this 2017?! That was BF— “Before Fellowship”—a timeline that we all can scarcely remember, I’m sure.

This week’s all about the unbeatens. We’re all probably not surprised by the Bills and Chiefs being undefeated. The Vikings, Seahawks, and Steelers though? Golf-clap for you Mike Tomlin! You know how long I’ve been waitin’ for this??? Wooo-Steelers bout to make a name for themselves here!

Returning to the Shire, we have the real Baggins of Bag-End with some of our league veterans at the top at 3-0: looking at you Beerserkers and RawbPeeple. The wives though? They were ready to play this weekend. McConkey Kong is off to her league career best start, and the Detroit Lines just posted the highest score of the year so far! She’s also leading in total PF for the season. Well done, Detroit – you have clearly shown Jimmy Da Kid who the true rookie of the year is in pure beatdown fashion.

Despite a total of NINE teams scoring under the yearly average from last week, this was still an intense week of fantasy football. Let’s dig in, and leave your stupid comments in your pocket!

Dropped from rankings: LuLu Lemons

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

Stroud Boys vs. The Philadelphia Smeagles:

They may be eatin’ the dogs, eatin’ the cats, and eatin’ the pers in Springfield, Ohio—but the Fellowship is eating the Smeagles every week. I truly hate being the bearer of bad news this week as the MacSucken’ stays in Philadelphia. There isn’t enough Malort in the country to hydrate the likes of Gus Edwards, Brian Robinson Jr., Calvin Ridley, and poor ole Mrs. Swift. Taylor Kelce, if Fantasy Managers see you, know that they got bad blood and it’s on sight. Not being disrespectful here at all to Smeagles though, I’m just distracted looking for Keenan Allen because apparently the Bears medical staff can’t find him either. I don’t want to completely overshadow the Stroud Boys however, because CNN and MSNBC told me that I should never do that, so a big shoutout to solid weeks from a resurgent Aaron Jones and a great performance from Chris Olave. Give a standing-O to Malik tho. There goes the naber-hood! Smeagles hopes to avoid 13 straight games of holding the MacSucken’ next week.

Spaghetti Mafia vs. Gooning With All Mahomies:

And while I’m already lubed up, I may as well ask the team that’s too busy gooning in the corner to win a game this one question: can you or someone in this league call Dr. McConkey Kong to take a look at Ja’Marr Chase’s back? His spine is all twisted and bent out of shape, and nobody’s McLaughin’ here. Part of this team’s problem is injuries at RB and the other part is Gabe Davis. Either Jacksonville needs to protect the quarterback, or the quarterback needs to throw the ball faster and just…better. Let’s hope that next week more players clock in and stop gooning on the sidelines. At least Spaghetti-on-the-wall fared better this week and scored his first dub thanks to Aaron Rodgers trouncing a stacked Super Bowl bound NE team, alongside another solid showing from Marvin Harrison Jr. and a mafia hit of a blowout win performance from GB’s defense in Tennessee. Pour one out for Terry, caught celebrating from the bench as his big game wasn’t needed in this matchup.

Sacks in the City vs. RawbPeeple:

In this tight and tense battle (I’m still coming down from my anxiety meds after MNF), it was Sex in the City meme versus South Park meme—and South Park won. Take that Samantha or Megan or whoever! With both teams struggling at RB and QB this week, this matchup fell to the WRs and TEs. Dallas Goedert was the only target left for Hurts in an injury depleted backfield, but the sweetest baby of them all Dalton Kinca-okay, well Rashee Rice, let’s be honest, helped keep RawbPeeple undefeated. It was nice to see Dalton finally get a little more love in the spread-the-love Allen-led Buffalo offense. Sacks looks to get back on track against her husband next week—I’ll pray for one of our favorite couples in Chicago this weekend.

Beerserkers vs. The Algorithm:

There’s nothing we love more in the Fellowship than a Good Ole Fashion SUCK OFF! And hot off the MNF doubleheader, it wasn’t clear at the start who would win in the MATCHUP SUCKOFF OF THE WEEK! These two titans clashed and traded blows like Lisa and Mark in the bedROOM, yafeelme? Only this bedroom had way more suck-off action. Speaking of bedroom stuff, a lot of players were busting on these two teams. Tyreek, Pollard, Josh Jacobs, CeeDee, Zay, Jaylen, and Rachaad disappointed these managers more than Lisa disappointed her perfect husband, Johnny. Neverthe-fucking-less, rookie Jayden Daniels with his record-breaking pass completion percentage and Mike Geiski’s respectable showing led the Beerserkers comeback against the reigning champ. Both of these teams should be in better shape in the coming weeks, especially if the Beerserkers’ strong bench continues to show up. Skynet comes for Jimmy Da Kid next week.

Haribo Lecter vs. Bodega Cat:

Speaking of more newlyweds, we saw another close matchup come to an end during MNF as the Bodega Cats squeaked by Haribo Lecter. While her squad dealt with injuries and a case of the “I didn’t start Chuba the one week he popped off,” Kyren Williams and a recently beheaded DeVonta Smith kept her within striking distance this weekend. Luckily, Josh Allen answered the bodega call with an elite performance. Fantasy team…assemble! Consistent production is hard to come by in deep leagues, so I’m sure that the cats would also like to thank Devin for his continued service at the flex. Haribo looks ahead to next week to crush Rawb’s hopes and dreams yet again (but ONLY in fantasy football folks – don’t misquote this during a marital disagreement later on everyone!!!).

McConkey Kong vs. LuLu Lemons:

Back to the unbeatens! Kong continues to barrel ahead the competition. It’s her best start in her fourth season so far. That’s partially due to a lot of things: mainly the Seahawks this week lol. Kong flew on the back of those magnificent birds as they proved that seabirds are better than sea mammals. It was a missed opportunity for LuLu as stocks plummeted more than 50% this week. Despite good RB play and a slick Jets DFST pickup on waivers after RawbPeeple fumbled them—the WR and TE situation were rougher than Claudette’s cancer (in movie, The Room guys get your mind out of the gutter) for the Lemons this week. Both teams have some big injuries to key players, so it’s scary that our Vietnam-based former champ and upcoming midwestern bride could possibly just improve as the season progresses.

Jimmy Da Kid vs. Detroit Lines:

Oh hi Mark—or Jess. Welcome to the league, indeed. Lines were drawn this weekend, and the line is don’t fucking cross 8 Mile. Jimmy Da Kid lost himself to the music, the moment you own Amari Cooper you better never let him go...to the bench. Even with Amari, Jimmy Da Kid would’ve lost to a fundamental, all-around team performance. Are the Detroit Lines just playing in an eight-man league and we just don’t know it? The fuck Scooby Doo shit is Cole Kmet scoring 25+ points? If we rip his face off would we just see it was “Old Man Kelce” the whole time? Even without Kittle, the Detroit Lines impressed with the highest scoring performance of the season yet. If this team stays healthy, watch out.

GOONER OF THE WEEK:

A new segment brought you by our very own gooning with Mahomie’s, where every week Tony will pick the NFL’s top gooner. This week goes to Ellen DeGeneres Joe Burrow on his stellar 0-3 start.

Welcome to another year of fantasy, and another year of hopefully laying the smackdown to the one we love most! In a very special preview, we’re looking at another couples’ themed brawl scheduled during the wedding of Beerserkers and McConkey Kong, or Tom and Katie. Thank you for spending all of your hard-earned money, all of your precious time, and so-so-so much of your collective efforts in the planning of this very special moment for both of your lives…all so we can take the opportunity to incessantly obsess over gigantic men playing a game outside for millions of dollars.

P-p-p-review of the W-w-w-eek!!!

Here comes the Bride, with a bouquet in one hand and a fistful of spine-realigning ass whoopin’ in the other! Kong looks to keep her streak alive with two SO wins in a row. Last year, this gridiron Romeo and Juliet watched their games unfold from a Brooklyn rooftop wedding. Stroud’s 40 plus point pop-off led her to a two point win over the Beerserkers. As we celebrate you two this weekend, don’t forget to celebrate every moment together…especially this very first SO fantasy matchup as man and wife. Thanks again for being such great sports Tom and Katie!

Sacks in the City is on a two-year streak and looking to make it three against Bodega Cat. Last year Tyreek couldn’t muster up a big enough game to outscore then-Dawson’s Creek, who had Josh Jacobs and Derrick Henry with Puka Nacua and Rahsee Rice. Right now, the Cats may have the edge in record and PF this season. The question is how much does the NY man of the house believe in the old adage, “happy wife, happy life”? Godspeed, Dom Holland if you get the dub. All is fair in love and fantasy football.

Recently married Green Rawblin or RawbPeeple post-therapy credits his two-year streak for SO matchups to his complete disregard for wife’s wellbeing when it comes to fantasy football. He allows her to draft players due to their names “being funny.” RawbPeeple values winning overall. Last year was certainly close however. He won a one point matchup last year in large part to Ra-GIGA-chaad White. Rawb’s hoping that Tank Dell’s 31-point tally on the bench repeats itself again. A man can only dream.

Rookie Fellowship couple, Stroud Boys and Detroit Lines battle in a very anticipated, post-wedding matchup this season! I’m so STROUD of them! In all seriousness though, both teams are coming off red hot performances. If Bijan wakes up, then Stroud’s got this for our fellow midwestern newlyweds. Don’t count out Detroit though. We’ve seen her boom potential at RB, and that’s more than enough to scare anyone facing her in the arena.

In a so-hot-it’s-not-gay matchup, we have Smeagles trying to offload his “precious” Malort onto Spaghetti. Last year, Mafia took the first victory in their inaugural SO matchup. He’s hoping that Marvin Harrison Jr. doesn’t get mom’s spaghetti nervous as the Cardinals look to keep it rolling on the last Sunday of September.

Meanwhile, in another reunited but it smells like “toilet bowl” matchup, Gooning takes LuLu on in another Canfield H2H. I should say toilet bowl for one of the players here. A surprise wild car player last year, Gooning’s going to need to goon like no one’s ever gooned before. Like an inspirational sports movie, Field of Goon Dreams or Goonday Bloody Goonday, Gooning needs to pull off a miracle to repeat his victory from last season. LuLu is nearly a 30 point favorite in this matchup. I can almost hear Kevin Costner’s dead dad whispering, “if you goon, he will come.”

Last, but not least, two proven champs take each other on. Trevornator and Jimmy Da Kid are both spoken for, of course, but these two gladiators will face each other for the very first time. Algorithm needs the win to get back on track. Jimmy simply needs a win to get on the track. Will it be love at first sight? Or will this be a match made in hell?.

Happy wedding and happy SO week! Thanks for reading another chapter of our fantasy recap, ghostwritten by NY Giants fan GRRM. If you live with that special someone, that Arwen to your Aragorn, for god’s sake please remind them to set their lineup! Also, do the dishes and take out the trash while you’re at it.

XOXO, Gossip Girl. <3