Week 4: I'll Take You To The Wasteland

Fantasy. Fantasy football never changes. The wasteland is filled with teams and players that fell victim to this harsh game. But then there are those that seem to thrive on this scorched Earth. Let's put some makeup on this Walton Goggins and get into week 5:

Spaghetti Mafia vs. The Movie Chef:

118.88 vs. 104.6

Gabagool! Nobody serves chef Antonio Cold spaghetti in his own Vault Mess Hall! Except for Zach of course. In this underserved matchup, We got some incredibly lukewarm performances from Travis Kelce, Nick Chubb, Derrick Henry, and Brock Bowers. Even worse, Tony burnt his waiver wire pick on Tre Tucker! But we did get stim packs in the form of monster performances by Drake London, Omarion Hampton, and Emeka Egbuka. When it was all said and done, Jalen Hurts just couldn't save Tony from being rad roach food. What’s worse is that he gets to savor the MAcksucken another week longer. That being said Zach walks away is the winner of this match, but the loser of a Lamar Jackson for multiple possible weeks. Check the radiation on your super stars before purchase!

Bodega Cat vs. McConkey Kong:

106.88 - 144.28

The McConkey Kingdom served as a cat trap this week. Dom thought he couldn't trust Dak to navigate through this primal lair, so he trusted former Beerserker Jordan love to lead the way. His running back corps. of Jonathan Taylor and Kenneth Walker admirably led the way, while Quinten Johnston busted down doors with yet another stellar performance. But what waited behind the steel curtain was more horrific than anything our commissioner had yet encountered. The super mutant team up of Ashton Jeanty and George Pickens went absolutely nuclear on his squad, racking up more than 69 points between the two players. A Kyle Pitts revenge game and Seahawks over performance melted our commissioner’s radiation suit. Katie leaves this matchup with a revenge win after double up losses against the Bodega Cats last season. Dom lugs around the hibernating bodies of CeeDee LAM and George Kittle. But how long can you drag them around the wasteland without becoming a target for fiends?

RawbPeeple vs. Beerserks:

95.86 - 132.32

Judging by the final score and the wrecked Brawberhood of Steel power armor outside of an abandoned Beerserkers Legion camp, you would think this was a savaging. But that doesn't tell the whole story. Rob and I were actually neck and neck for most of this matchup, with Drake May and Josh Allen basically mirroring each other in this fatal dance. Christian Gonzalez's return helped the Patriots defense pummeled Robert to the tune of 17 points. However, Rob's possibly underage tight end Tyler Warren managed to beast his way to an impressive 18.3 point score. It all hinged on Sunday night football. Beer might get you drunk In Middle Earth, but in the world of Fallout it actually adds one strength per bottle. 17 beers worth of alcohol flowed through Jake Ferguson's thick, manly veins while Brandon McManus delivered redemption cakes after an early miss. Rob's Matthew Golden boy failed to have a true breakout, and despite the appearance of Micah Parsons the Packers defense actually ended up melting down and corroding Rob's metal exoskeleton by -5 points. Ja’marr Chase's radiation level was just too high to overcome this sickness, as the Beerserkers rated Rob’s stockpile. Now the two of us go on to face our wives, who are somehow better at fantasy than us (sad face).

Detroit Lines vs. Jimmy da Kid:

109.68 - 122.9

I have to give Jess yet another Matchup of the week, but she keeps getting in these razor’s edge contests. Her Sunday started off rather well in Ireland, with a Kenneth gainwell pot of gold amounting to 32.5 points! A little Amon Ra of sunshine of 26 points didn't hurt either. But Jimmy showed Romanians have a little luck too, as bounce back players Patrick Mahomes Breece Hall and Javonte Williams all delivered above average performances. When she needed him most, David Montgomery was sloshed at the pub, only tipping 1.2 points. Despite his hatred of the Steelers, they gave Jimmy 10 points, which served him up the wind this week. However Jimmy doesn't walk away unscathed, is Brian Thomas Jr is still trying to regrow the bones in his wrists, while he mourns the loss of father of the Year Tyreek Hill. But all might not be lost, as Darren Waller has emerged as a ghoul from the lifeblood spilled by Hill’s ACL.

Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Average Boes:

101.66 - 131.44

Don't call it a bounce back, if you're an average bow at least. Seriously though, Bo Nix unleashed a flamethrower on a very flammable Smeagle team with Josh Jacobs firing pure plasma on the charred remains. Josh might have been ambushed in bed, as he didn't receive the early morning notification that Jaylen Warren would not be taking the field. Josh's squad put up some solid performances between Baker, James Cook, Justin Jefferson and the Texans defense. But Ron was looking for redemption after a blowout loss last week, with Courtland Sutton and Deebo Samuel taking no prisoners. Josh now enters a slump he knows all too well, while Ron's Pip-Boy notches a 500 record. That being said, he's now missing a limb in the form of Malik neighbors and is unlikely to regrow it with Romeo Dobbs on a bye week.

Lulu Lemons vs. Haribo Lecter:

121.68 - 135.32

Imagine if you will, a version of raiders of the Lost ark where Indiana Jones gets steamrolled by a boulder with pukanukua's face on it. Jones could feed Michael Pittman Jr for Abigail but he couldn't deliver Alex from this onslaught. Later round gems like Garrett Wilson and Quinshon Judkins help propel Alex to over 121 points. However, the CBD gummy started to kick in, making us all hallucinate an actually good Travis Etienne performance for Haribo lecter. Our reigning champ now swallows his third loss in a row and maybe tasting a McSucken if he loses to Tony next week. Meanwhile Abigail is propelled to second in the Eastern division.

The Algorithm vs Sacks in the City:

131.18 - 102.62

This matchup between division leaders looked to be a clash of the Titans. Instead, machine once again triumphed over man ( or in this case woman). Justin Herbert and the Vikings defense both suffered motion penalties from all the weight they had been carrying for Alyssa's team. Meanwhile, despite a miscalculation on Geno Smith, President John Henry Eden delivered the enclaves finest of Christian McCaffrey, Bucky Irving, and Zay Flowers. Jordan Mason served as a false savior for humanity and Aaron Jones's wake, while Jkobi Meyers was tied to an all too human Geno Smith. Alyssa now retreats into her vault after her first defeat of the season while Trevor's AI powered enclave continues to expand its territory on the Eastern seaboard.

The Algorithm still reigns supreme in the East as the last undefeated team. We have a new leader in the West, as McConkey Kong has unseated Sacks in the City by less than 3 points. Meanwhile our favorite movie chef is trying to cook up a historic comeback after losing four in a row to start off his season. Can Tony cook some barbecue for this whitewash party? We still have 10 weeks to go so the playoffs are anyone's game. Also, we have our first trade of the season! Rawb Peeple has agreed to trade Rashee Rice to Bodega cat in exchange for Devonte Smith. This is the first trade between these franchises, and the first ever for Rob. Now Dom is riding dirty and Rob's weeks will hang on the whims of a slim reaper. Week 5 is Significant Others Week, so pucker up! You’ll either be kissing victory or defeat! GG’s, Fellowship.