Week 4: Love is a Battlefield

Much like the Jets, I did not adequately prepare for the task at hand this week. For them, it was playing a football game against a 1800s-ass team, the Broncos, that’s unaware that the forward pass has been invented. Seriously, they had 60 yards passing. For me, it was writing up this recap ahead of time.

It became that time of the year again where we battle our loved ones who to see who is the best in our household / friendships. Needless to say, some of us found out the pain of losing to our wives for yet another year. That some of us may be me.

BUT, we do have no more defeated teams with Jimmy, Tony, and Wakeford picking up their first wins of the season. No Jack Smith Jack Rabbits defeated season this year. We also saw the end of one of the greatest losing streaks, with the MacSucken’ changing hands for the first time this season - despite almost being held for a full calendar year.

The last few days have been chaotic across the sports world, with incredible games and wild finishes every day. Miami (The U Version) won on a Hail-Mary-turned-Fail-Mary on Friday night, Georgia and Alabama played the best college football game in years, the Mets won a thriller to clinch the playoffs, and Stroud Boys pulled out a nail biter against Detroit Lines in the Fellowship. All equally important, equally impressive games.

Anyway, let’s get into it with our Gooner of the week!

GOONER OF THE WEEK:

Dropped from rankings:

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

Stroud Boys vs. The Detroit Lines:

Chris Brown & Rhianna, Floyd Mayweather & Strippers, Joe Mixon & his college girlfriend, and Tyreek Hill & any 6 of his baby mamas - there’s nothing we love more than an absolute punch fest [Brought to you by Monster Energy]. And that’s exactly what we got this week (minus the whole actual punching like everyone else listed above).

“But Dom”, you say, “Abuse isn’t funny”. To which I say you’re (partially) right! But neither is losing to a random ass 70 yard touchdown from Jameson Williams after you had your 4-0 dub locked up. This week the lines get blurry as a late shocker sends Jess off with her first loss, and one that will leave ‘Nam flashbacks Yosh-style. But regardless of outcome let’s call this what this is: a power couple. Both sit 1 and 2 at the power rankings and each at 3-1. It’s been a hell of a start for each team and if this keeps up we’ll definitely be seeing this household in the playoffs.

The Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Spaghetti Mafia:

Our second match up of the week comes with a very, very special occasion. FINALLY, after 12 games and 82 days [both fellowship records, b-t-dubs] we have a new MacSucken’ holder! It’s been a while since the MacSucken’ has been on the move and now we finally get some action. Wakeford tried as hard as he could to keep this trophy, but his team finally had one of those rare good weeks and sent the linear losers trophy to a rather worthy candidate. With insanely good performances from Brian Robinson, Xavier Worthy, and Nico Colins, Wakeford finally has some momentum after losing his first round pick in CMC. As for Zach, his team is on the up-and-up and is just scoring under the league median - and with consistent scores like those in a fluctuating league, we will see the MAcSucken’ change hands very soon.

LuLu Lemons vs. Gooning With All Mahomies:

Goon, goon, goon, goon! The Gooners never die! Kenneth Walker came back and boy was he needed - being an absolute game changer and securing Tony’s first win on the season. Despite being the lowest scoring team in the league, Tony was able to channel his inner Patrick Mahomes and throw himself into the ACL of the LuLu Lemons and hinder any chances of winning.

The lemon’s continue to lemon with their up and down scoring as Mark Andrews put up his second goose egg on the season - something none of us saw coming. Mix in a poor Breece performance, an unhappy Davante, a James who can’t cook, and you get a lemonade so sour it’ll make a dead man pucker. Hopefully the wishing well known as the Waiver Wire can help turn things around.

Sacks in the City vs. Bodega Cat:

This was a classic suck off - and not the kind I was looking for during significant others week!

I suck. My team sucks. Garrett Wilson sucks. Travis Etienne biting the curb in 4k. Jaylen Waddle is useless. Devin Singletary is the Daniel Jones of running backs. And Kyle Pitts is the kind of dude to shit his pants and then go change his shirt.

I’m mad.

Haribo Lecter vs. RawbPeeple:

Boy if I’m Rob watching Rashee Rice get hurt would make me want to pull a Rashee Rice. Just like at the drinks after the Rehearsal Dinner, Abigail took Rob home and put him to bed early.

What seemed like catching a break with Anthony Richardson getting hurt, turned quickly into dismay as the rest of Abigail’s team absolutely popped off. Monster performances from Williams, Hubbard, and Reed each getting 20 points a piece carried our little gummy bear to her second win of the season and giving Rob his first loss.

When asked about their team win, Xavier Legette said, “awehajlfdia adhfaieuaoijfdk ajdhfaduafdafo afhiadhif aeaqnmaou”. No one knows what he fucking says half the time.

Jimmy Da Kid vs The Algorithm:

As they say, “My old woman may be lame, but my Younghoe Koo”. A 20 point performance has it looking like Prime Younghoe is back. With some stellar kicking, a vintage JT game, Da not being ass, Future Spirit Halloween store Jimmy Da Kid gets his first win this week!

However, another loss brings unfamiliar territory for the Algorithm. A team that started 9-0 last season finds themselves on a 3 game losing streak. Can things turn around for our machine, or has the fellowship finally hacked the code?

Beerserkers vs. McConkey Kong:

Finally we ring in the newly weds. A lovely wedding to a lovely weekend leaves Tom with pondering one question: Is his wedding day the happiest day of his life, or the day he became the only undefeated team in the fellowship?

Tom’s team continues to be a consistent juggernaut that finds a way to score from any position (just like on the wedding night, aye-oh!!) except for the tight end position (I’ll let you fill in the blank on this joke). But behind a ROTY candidate in Jayden Daniels, and the Falcon Punch power of Alvin Kamara, I’ll be wearing my brown pants for Rivalry Week.

As for Katie, injuries continue to plague her roster. And while the rest of the team did decently well, the Seahawks defense was about as useless as a box of ties left on a hotel room window sill.

With one of our theme weeks in the books, we look forward to the Battle for Middle Earth (week 7) and our infamous Rivalry week (week 10) coming up goon soon.

Plenty of season left so if you feel down, upset, mad, depressed, angry, just remember: You still have to feel all of that for another 10 weeks.