Week 5: Party at Ja'Marr-a-Lago

It’s Tom, and I’m back bitches! Sorry I was on the sidelines, Katie would kill me if I was writing recaps while she planned our wedding. But I’m married now, which means I can legally have a mistress: Fantasy Football. Fantasy is a cruel mistress sometimes, but she makes us all feel more alive than we’ve ever felt before, only to rip our hearts out with injuries, bye weeks and studs dudding out. The real football world has been unpredictable, resulting in ripples throughout the Fellowship. Let’s take a look around Middle Earth, shall we?!

Dropped from rankings: McConkey Kong

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

GOONER OF THE WEEK:

Our Gooner of the week might be the most accurate yet… mostly because he might be a legit gooner, who was also down horrendous letting Mia Khalifa dunk on him.

But with some absolutely horrible quarterback play, the Browns find themselves in extreme buyers remorse and panic for the rest of their season.

Detroit Lines vs. Beerserkers:

I was having a solid, fraudulent run as the last undefeated team while also having the lowest points against. Welp, Jess pantsed me, and without Saquan Barkley. Who called a Darnell Mooney revenge game? No one, since that wasn’t a fucking thing until this week. For reference, I had Mooney in 2021 & 2022 until he broke his leg and I abandoned him. Anyway, Jess clocked in as the week’s highest scoring Team, with Joe Shiesty throwing five touchdown passes and George Kittle coming back with a vengeance. Yay, white people! On the Beerserker side, Dionte Johnson and George Pickens lubed up their hands like they were at a Diddy party. Guess we can all go goon with Tony in Week 7.

RawbPeeple vs. the Algorithm:

Joe Flacco emerged to save Rawbpeeple like Gandalf the White. But Rob's situation is more like Miami than Middle Earth. And like Miami, some key injuries are dragging down Rob's once proud offense. Devon Achane took a Tua over the weekend, Jordan Mason looks undrafted again and Dalton Kincaid just wants to go home to Daddy Dom. Our reigning champ stayed relevant with a respectable 116.52 points. It felt like the Algorithm calculated just how many points were needed to win an average match. Everyone on his roster turned in a totally adequate, manufactured performance. Meanwhile, Rob is going the other evolutionary direction. I fully expect him to be wearing face paint and making sacrifices to the Fantasy Gods next weekend. Watch out, Abigail! Speaking of…

Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Haribo Lecter:

Josh was put back in his place after an upset win to rid himself of the MacSucken’. Felt pretty good, huh Wakeford? Too bad for you, Pride is one of the seven deadly sins! St. Kirk Cousins summoned the Haribo Templar to crush Josh's unholy desires to have a good fantasy season. He was neither cold nor hot, but luke warm, so Lecter spat him out into a Monastery. Maybe Christian McCaffrey can come rescue Josh from exile once he has aborted fetuses injected into his legs. But just remember how Kirk feels about abortion…

Bodega Cat vs. Gooning With All Mahomies:

Bodega Cat stormed the Goon Cave ready to play. Garrett Wilson and Kyle Pitts gained the courage to finally fight for Dom’s honor, propelling him to 132 points! But like Friedrich Nietzsche said, “He who fights with gooners might take care lest he thereby become a gooner”. Little did Dom know, Tony had been edging in wait. Ja’marr Chased down Bodega Cat, while Drake London swooped in for the double team. The Mahomies were slowing down, giving Dom hope, only for Kareem Hunt to punch in a touchdown. Not only does Dom limp away from this matchup with a bruised ego, but Josh Allen might be a casualty of war. Meanwhile, the only one laughing at the Ja’marr Chase pick is Tony himself.

McConkey Kong vs. Jimmy da Kid:

Poor some out for the homies, there were a lot of dead people on these rosters. Jordan Love might've returned to the battlefield for Katie, but he couldn't drag Joe Mixon or AJ Brown back from Hades. What's worse is the Derek Carr suffered a choke on her bench, possibly being buried at the Kong funeral home. Weirdly enough, Jimmy is having a Renaissance after losing his unwanted, adopted children Jonathan Taylor and Isaiah Pacheco. Even Younghoe Koo and the Chicago Defense scored 15 a piece drive home the win. It was a nasty defeat for Katie, but there's a lot of playable characters in McConkey Kong Country.

Stroud Boys vs. Lulu Lemons:

Sure Ron, you might be out living your life. Maybe it's a great life. But what does it matter if there's a concussed Malik Nabers dragging down your imaginary football team!? Stroud Boys still passed up 100 points despite an absent Naber and an inevitably broke Aaron Jones. But Lulu wasn't dragged down by big name Lemons like Breece Hall and Deebo Samuel. No, previously irrelevant names like Trey Sermon, the Denver Defense and Tampa Bay’s kicker delivered the knockout punch to the drunken Stroud Boys in this bar fight. Check please! (Queue 80’s laugh track)

Sacks in the City vs. Spaghetti Mafia:

Sacks in the City rolled up to Ristorante di Spaghetti Mafia expecting her team to feast. Alyssa took a seat next to Rhamondre Stevenson and Justin Jefferson, tucking in their napkins and ready to eat this place out of business. Zach first tried to interest Alyssa in a trade, but the price tag was too high and she didn't want to ruin her appetite. And so, the Mafia began to serve Sacks in the City.

Antipasto: A measly 4 points from Sam Darnold. Plenty of room left. Primo: 25 points from Tucker Kraft. Wait, there's more!? Secondo: A 28 point stuffing of DJ Moore. Insalata: 15 points from the Washington Defense!? This isn't Salad, this is a garden! Dolce: Just when Sacks in the City thought the worst was over, Zach served up a fresh MacSucken’, just a week after he received it. This was almost the matchup of the week, but I thought I'd save the best for last.

We have plenty of Fantasy left folks, so don't get down if you have a rocky start to the season! Remember: the Texans were a poverty franchise until 2023. Here's some matchups to look out for in Week 6:

Sacks in the City vs. Philadelphia Smeagles: Josh can be reunited with his beloved Macksucken

Beerserkers vs. Stroud Boys for Leader of the Western Conference

Lulu Lemons vs. Bodega Cat: Secondary Rivalry Match to stay in the hunt

McConkey Kong vs. Rawb Peeple: Rob's pride.

Play on, Fellowship!