Week 5: Significant Others Week!

Congrats, Vault Dwellers! You made it to yet another wedding-themed significant others week. Just like Lucy, Jimmy was wide-eyed, blushing, and just plain WET to get hitched this week so he wouldn’t have to watch all of the NFL action.

Lucky for him, he won his matchup. Psh, that’s way more important than committing to the love of your love in holy matrimony.

Yet, fantasy can't be kind to everyone in the vault, and the invading raiders crashing the post-nuptial celebrations got at least seven of us in the ensuing brawl. Pour some champagne and Alizé out for my Rawblins.

Love is in the air! Let's kick off this Week 5 recap and get hot n’ steamy like a Taylor Swift love ballad - specifically WOOD because it's all about big swinging redwoods BLOWING in the breeze. Right, guys? Do you get it?!

Average Boes vs. The Detroit Lines:

One of last year's matchups of the week was another blowout. Hey, speaking from experience, sometimes we just get fucked by our significant others. Shoutouts to MY fucking dumbass for letting Rico slide (couldn't get him back) to the Boes. I’m glad I could help another league manager. Rico and Deebo (BARS) helped decimate the Lines here. With up and down scoring, Detroit’s looking blurry like a Puddle of Mud track. Last year, she met her first defeat in this marital matchup, and she couldn't draw even in the H2H series this year. I’d say she misses Barkley on her squad, but we’ll see a common thread of Eagles players not doing enough to help managers this week, won’t we?ie breakout, could be back on track with the second-highest point total of the week.

The Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Spaghetti Mafia:

This wasn't as incredible as last season, when the Smeagles finally lost the MacSucken’ in historic fashion. However, the Mafia did lose yet again in the second year of this rivalry. I blame the New Reno Bishop crime family for not lending these wise guys a helping hand. Despite that, maybe the Smeagles are in for a franchise turnaround? Like some Minutemen in the Commonwealth, Baker and Justin carried this team of Gollums admirably. Throw in some Cupp, as the Seahawks threw the ball his way more this week, and you get a potent combination to offset the AJ Brown diva struggles and a down week from James Cook. Omarion Hampton fell, and that’s going to make a Spaghetti go mamma mia! Hopefully, Bowers bounces back, and we’ll pray for the sanity of Marvin Harrison and all Cardinal players after that Demarcardo celebration. I don’t know if that locker room will fuhgeddaboudit.

The Movie Chef vs. LuLu Lemons:

Movie Chef was happy with Chubb, Kelce, Hurts, and literally that's it. Lu had a nice bounce-back week as the Jets played better, and Michael Carter ended up being a better play than Tre Tucker in the flex spot. Who would've predicted a Raiders receiver would perform inconsistently??? cough cough gambling ring front cough cough The Lemons did avenge last year's loss, and that’s been the storyline for our two-time league champ. He’s got a resilient team with Judkins and McMillan providing some healthy floor. Jacory was even just chillin’ on the bench like, “I’ll be by your side like dogmeat cuh.” That’s my impression of a professional football player heavy into them Fallout references. The Lemons may like the Movie Chef, but they truly love man’s best friend.

Jimmy Da Kid vs The Algorithm:

Year two of this romantic rivalry brings us this week's best matchup! Jimmy unseats the final unbeaten team in the league this year, and it was in brutal, mutated ghoul smashing a tiny Mister Handy fashion. Funnily enough, Jimmy earned his first week of the season against Algorithm in last season’s lovers’ brawl. The Kid had help from Rachaad White taking over for Bucky Irving, another strong showing from Javonte in the Cowboys matchup, and a vintage Mahomes QB performance on MNF cemented a glorious victory. Hey, Algorithm may have lost, but I think he and the rest of the wasteland fantasy managers will gladly take another week with CMC looking healthy. It still looks like it's TBD for his Dart throw at QB. Maybe some training in the Meadowlands vault will help Jaxson and the Giants bounce back against the Eagles this Thursday?

Sacks in the City vs. Bodega Cat:

A nice little turn-around, bright eyes as Bodega Cats puts on the Bonnie Tyler Total Eclipse of the Heart record. Now the vault’s really jamming! Let this man croon as this team COOKs. He needs Waddle tonight. He needs JT forever. And if only Dak could hold him tight, then he’s holding on forever! A far cry from the 'my team sucks' post-game interview of last year's significant others matchup, it looks like the wasteland has been kind to these orange cats, as he not only beat the brakes off Sacks, but he also reached 3-2. That win evened the Bodega Cats’ record with girls in the city, as this little penguin got litter box shit kicked all over her little dress. Sacks has now lost two in a row, and she'll need her RB room to step it up, as seeing LaPorta outscoring those heavy hitters on her squad is not common at all.

Haribo Lecter vs. RawbPeople:

Props to Haribo for being the only lady to win in our league. You get to be our very own Lucy MacLean. Congrats, Vault Dweller.

Dear lord. If you're listening, please end this wasteland season and rid us of this Aaron Rodgers radiation curse... and please (please please please) just make my team great again. I don't regret the trade (Rawb traded Rashee away this year, just one week after losing him to a season-ending knee injury last season) whatsoever – only because the rest of my team SUCKS. I need some kind of PIP boy AI algorithm at this rate to ever crawl my ass back to the playoff promise land. Meanwhile, Stroud popped off for Haribo, and Puka's on a historic run like old man Stafford’s ghost buddies of NFL Christmas: Megatron and Cooper Kupp. A return to some kind of fantasy relevancy from Chase just wasn't enough to reach the high highs, because Lecter had to take all of Njigbas! I mean good players, of course. "My team can't pop off in the Fellowship league!" That's what LuLu will poke fun at me for saying constantly in the vault cafeteria later. As the overseer is my witness, I can only speak the facts. And the fact of the matter is, the RawbPeople are in trouble as this team continues to lose yet another significant other matchup. Tune in next week as my team spreads its legs for Jimmy Da Kid!

Beerserkers vs. McConkey Kong:

Beerserkers won yet again with a nice all-around performance from RBs and WRs alike. Shout out to Stefon Diggs. He looked braver than Maximum out there in a nice, surprise win against the Bills in Buffalo. Maybe now he can get it up for Cardi B with that vintage performance. It was a good fantasy matchup and a great win for Pats fan Beerserkers. McConkey looked kind of McCrappy with the floor of this team sinking super low. I guess George Pickens is no real match for a solid Ryan Flournoy. Seriously, FUCK that guy. Who are you Flournoy? WHO ARE YOU?!?! Hopefully, Kong’s team just had radiation sickness this week. Something’s going around for sure, as we all hope that Mike Evans and Brock can come out of this season purdy good, despite it all. Most importantly, safe travels to and from Ireland, you two. If you see Puffins out there in the wastelands of the Irish, be sure to grab one for my birder wife!

So there you have it. Happy wedding week, everyone. It’s now safe to hold that significant other tight without wanting to strangle them for having Puka Nacua. ahem Anyways... I’m sure everyone not named Rawb is doing well.

Good luck in Week 6 ! May we all stave off the ghoul transformation just a little while longer.