Week 666 – The Boogeyman Comes for You

Yes, you read that right.

Hell waits for you in your inbox in this very special, very purple, haunted recap… although his name isn’t Michael Myers (or Mike Evans) but actually JESS—the Detroit Lines league manager. Jkjkjk. Rip off that white William Shatner mask, and you’ll actually find the unhinged, smiling face of your favorite player’s team physician. And local news spotted your player in a non-contact jersey. Hey, at least he was at practice.

I know that we all have busy lives, so hopefully everyone’s fall is going well. We have apple picking, pumpkin patches, hayrides, and plenty of Halloween candy to get us skinny fat before the holiday season.

But pray to whatever God(s) you believe in or burn some sage or some shit… because your team is going to die in seven days.

Here are seven tales to terrify you while you pretend to work this week. Each blowout more terrifying than the last! So gather round the fireplace and enjoy as prepare for the grueling Week 7 to come … ha ha ha ha-Happy Halloween!

Dropped from rankings: RawbPeeple, Stroud Boys

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

GOONER OF THE WEEK:

Our Gooner of the week has somehow upended what we thought was the ultimate goner. But with a track record of being a jackass and locker room gremlin, we truly found out who was the real goner all along.

Act like you’ve been there before? Nah, not for Nick who has never been a low as he can go. He’s always finding a way to go even lower into the 9th layer of hell that even has Saddam Hussein looking down at him.

But hey, talk that shit like the 9th place NFC team that you are.

Gooning With All Mahomies vs. Detroit Lines Samara

Crawling out of your television sets, all while scaring you to the death, we begin with Samara’s continued reign over the league. Even Bo Nix can’t lay this well-crawler’s spirit to rest, since this Detroit ghoul finished the week with the second highest points scored and a Kittle football-spiking performance placing him at the number one overall TE. He now has three 20 point plus performances on the season. Oh yeah, Samara also has Cole Kmet—the number three TE after this week, go figure. Even with less than stellar WR play (jinkies! that’s the theme of this season Scooby-Doo gang), Samara’s STILL running rings around the league with a solid RB room, and it helps that Joe Burrow likes to run for 50 yard touchdowns too…cool. Gooning basically David Carradine-d himself this week (or any week if Chase isn’t scoring over 30 points), and couldn’t find production out of Derrick Henry’s towel boy or Michael Wilson in a game script where Jordan Love unleashed his inner Vorhees-style hate on the Cardinals. Tony’s profile pic says it all.

The Wreck it Ralph gooner looks ahead to next week to get his skull crushed by the current leader in the West, and Samara’s curse continues on the road against the Smeagles.

Bodega Cat vs. LuLu Lemons Cujo Rotten Apples:

The dog ate the cat in this next horrifying tale. The Bodega Cats couldn’t claw their way back, despite a relatively high PF that would have put them in good shape against many teams this week. However, American Horror Story: Travis Etienne Jr. debuted and critics called it a dud. Darkness falls in Salem’s Lot, and a rabid Cujo ripped his competition apart these last two weeks to stay in the flesh-eating hunt. Bodega’s group, even with another beast-slaying performance by Wilson, looked like the Derry, Maine children as all of Dom’s worst fears came to light. Only this time Pennywise the Clown wears the face of Tyrone Tracy Jr., and the MISERY only continued to put the matchup well out of hand before Monday night. A system performance from Justin Fields. A Deebo return to form. Evan Engram back as a fringe TE1. And hereee’s Breece-y! Nothing probably mattes Bodega’s fur more though than RawbPeeple letting Bucky Irving slip to waivers to fall right into Cujo’s outstretched paws. Like we learned in Pet Semetary, sometimes dead—on your bench—is better…

Next week the Bodega Cats will try to “shine” their way to a dub in Stroud Boys territory.

Spaghetti Mafia vs. the Algorithm M3GAN:

Megan may not be in the league anymore, but M3GAN is here to stay. After having her software updated, she’s ready to hit organized crime where it hurts most… family. The literal mafia can’t stop the AI robotic revolution, especially when she starts singing Sia. Marvin Harrison Jr. had his head blown off to post a bagel, as DJ Moore and Tucker Kraft cowered in fear. The Blumhouse villain hasn’t surpassed 116 total points, yet M3GAN is as consistent as a machine learning algorithm. That’s even more true now that Tyler Lockett has joined the Blumhouse gang.

M3GAN seeks to attain an approximate win percentage of 0.571 next week against… calibrating… opponent found: Sacks in the City. Spaghetti looks at his glass half full, praying for Kupp’s return in a matchup against RawbPeeple.

was having a solid, fraudulent run as the last undefeated team while also having the lowest points against. Welp, Jess pantsed me, and without Saquan Barkley. Who called a Darnell Mooney revenge game? No one, since that wasn’t a fucking thing until this week. For reference, I had Mooney in 2021 & 2022 until he broke his leg and I abandoned him. Anyway, Jess clocked in as the week’s highest scoring Team, with Joe Shiesty throwing five touchdown passes and George Kittle coming back with a vengeance. Yay, white people! On the Beerserker side, Dionte Johnson and George Pickens lubed up their hands like they were at a Diddy party. Guess we can all go goon with Tony in Week 7.

RawbPeeple vs. McConkey Kong King Kong:

I see dead people.

No really, Rawb sees Rashee Rice. He sees Tua, Achane, Ekeler, and Jordan Mason.

Rawb hasn’t been one of the “final boys” in a couple of seasons, and it looks like he’s heading toward a fate that he always feared: the comic relief, stoner-drunk character that gets killed off in the first act of the movie. Loveable, kind, and probably still virgin, his squad is averaging 115 plus points per game but can’t perform the way they were the first three weeks of the season.

The wily league vet looked like Anne Durrow, the blonde lady in the monkey movie, stuck inside McConkey’s Kong-like grasp. A red-hot Jordan Love, returning Joe Mixon, reliable Dobbins, and a game-changing AJ Brown produced this old Hollywood box office blowout. What hurt Rawb the most was how close this matchup was in terms of projected points before Kong’s players BOOMED all over his Skull Island.

Now, RawbPeeple looks to fight for his life as his players fight for theirs ahead of a matchup against the mafia. Kong will try to avoid being Hannibal’s dinner in a marquee matchup..

Jimmy Da Kid vs. Harbibo Lecter Hannibal:

Well Jimmy, have the CeeDee Lambs stopped screaming? I think I can still hear them saying, “Dak, you suck.” This one’s too easy btw. Just when you thought Hannibal was on the floor, dead in his own prison cell, BOOM, he rips a fake face off and eats your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. No side of gummy bears for her. Hannibal has won three games in a row, scoring over 120 points in each of those victories, starting against yours Truly. More than doubling the total points of her opponent, Hannibal’s players feasted in this matchup. Like Anthony Hopkins, no one turned in a bad performance (except for you Jake Elliott—on this team you get to suck and be that actor in Hannibal Rising). As everyone reached double figures on Hannibal’s team, Jimmy Da Kid saw some light at the end of the tunnel with Chase Brown outscoring Zack Moss yet again. We all love timeshare backfields, don’t we?

Hannibal has a full weekend dinner scheduled with Katie next week. Jimmy Da Kid looks to be a star in his own Stand by Me remake against Cujo. On most occasions, kids get a happy ending at the end of a King story. Keyword being most.

Stroud Boys vs. Beerserkers The Hills have Players:

Like an insanely strong slasher killer, the Beerserkers keep coming back. Even after getting downed by final girl, Jess, Tommy Krueger told everyone in the league that he was coming for you. Ron was the first person to sleep on Elm Street’s team. This murderous, devil’s rejects-esque, hillbilly family of mongoloids are showing no signs of stopping. The new Dallas native went Texas Chainsaw Massacre, led by David Montgomery and Jayden Daniels. On a two game losing streak, the Stroud Boys were sliced and diced al la Ghostface. Olave was gut like a fish, Jeremy McNichols couldn’t make it to the third act, and Malik Nabers remained on the cutting room floor.

Now at .500, the Stroud Boys have some hope as they wait Until Dawn for their matchup against fellow slasher victim, Bodega Cat. Beerserkers stars in his new feature: Friday the 13th Week VII: The New Blood with Gooning as the victim. Stay tuned.

Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Sacks in the City Sauron in the City:

Screeeech! Those players on Smeagles team? What are they? They were once men…

The once great kings on Philadelphia’s team, like Nico Collins, Brian Robinson Jr., and the greatest of them all, CMC, are now Ringwraiths, lying in wait as more powerful league managers dominate Middle-earth. Even Keenan Allen, way to show up buddy but it is Week 6 MY GUY, are all now the thralls of Sauron. And Sauron’s not like those girls in Sex in the City. He’s not a cocktail guy. He likes his drinks neat. And by drinks, I mean of course liquid magma from the fires of Mt Doom so he can make more rings of power. This matchup was so easy for last year’s runner-up that she didn’t need a hail mary catching Allen Lazard. The MacSucken’ was giveth and now it has returned to its rightful owner…Smeagles’ very own precious.

Sauron gets his Justin Jefferson ring of power next week to take on M3GAN. Smeagles, reunited with Jeppson's Malört once more, must watch the cursed videotape by kickoff this Thursday.

Well that’s all the time we have today… were you scared? You should be. I hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloween season. I know a lot of our questionable players won’t.

Hey, it's Halloween—everyone's entitled to one good scare!