Week 7: The Battle For Middle Earth

Just like the NBA, The Fellowship has its own mid-season tournament: The Battle for Middle Earth. East takes on West to determine the dominant Division in the League. Now some of you might look at the matchups and say, “Hey, there were two in-Division matchups”. Well, George R. R. Martin left mid script to do some Ebay shopping, so there’s a civil war aspect to our first annual battle. Don’t think, just consume product and get excited for next product!

Dropped from rankings:

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

GOONER OF THE WEEK:

HEEEEE’S BACKKKKKKK.

After taking a week off, our pre-season Gooner of the Year candidate is back in the spotlight - and this time for a good reason! Deshaun’s Achilles bought a one way ticket to snap city!

In what was a (hopefully) painful, non-contact injury, we watched the Browns cap space blow up in the most fitting way possible - a possible career-ending injury.

The only thing to be sad about this, is that we lost a top gooner and someone to make fun of every week. Though, a small price to pay for salvation. Long, and soon to be forgotten, we send Mr. Watson off to rehab (a place he’ll enjoy) with more settled lawsuits than touchdowns.

Victory: Lawsuits

Beerserkers vs. Gooning with All MaHomies:

Tony worked me like a Goontube Casting Couch. Tony’s boner pills enlarged the scores of Walker, Chase, London and Njoku, swinging his log-like phallus in Jayden Daniels and breaking his ribs. Most of my team became incredibly flaccid, scoring a fraction of what my bench attained. The big win breathes life into Tony’s struggling franchise. I’m going to resurrect the Roman Tradition of Decemation, disposing of one out of every ten Legionnaires. Cade Otton will be safe, but Tyreek and Dionte may not be so lucky.

Victory: East

Detroit Lines vs. Philadelphia Smeagles:

Of course, the lowest ranked team was slated to play this year’s juggernaut. Unlike the Return of the King’s ghost army, CMC was nowhere to be found. Travis Kelce abandoned Josh to go simp for Taylor Swift, leaving him to get ripped apart by the Cerberus of Saquan Barkley, Derrick Henry and Najee Harris. Now Josh has Bad Blood, having to hold onto the Macksucken which will grant him 500 years of unnatural intoxication.

Victory: East

Spaghetti Mafia vs. RawbPeeple:

No one messes with the family. Especially the West. Rob invaded Italy thinking he was George S. Patton. It turns out he was Fredo in the Godfather. Jalen Hurts and Amon Ra were no match for the onslaught delivered by the Sauce Boss. Even Cincinnati's Defense and Cameron Dicker dunked on Rawb, with an impressive score of 157. Rob needs to foster his people and ask one simple question: why am I rostering Juju Smith-Schuster?

Victory: West

Bodega Cat vs. Stroud Boys:

The Stroud Boys stormed the Bodega Capital of Morgantown, trashing his hallways and stealing his lectern. Bijan, Aaron Jones and Bowers obliterated Helm’s Deep’s outer wall, pushing Dom back into the citadel. But just as he was running with the explosive sparkler, Mike Evans pulled his hamstring, collapsing to the ground and subsequently blowing up. Dom struck when the iron was hot, with Josh Allen leading the Cats onto the offensive. Bigsby tanked Ron’s line, while James Conner delivered the finishing blow to the boys. This Monday Night miracle keeps Dom’s playoff dreams alive and keeps the West interesting.

Victory: West

LuLu Lemons vs. Jimmy da Kid:

Jimmy’s team is a Haunted House, with terrifying screams from Brandon Aiyuk as he tears his ACL. Dak Prescott’s BYE Week and Jonathan Taylor dwindling career roam the halls at night. So Alex loaded up his plasma cannon and burst in. Deebo ghosted him, but there was no going back. The Denver defense helped put away this husk of a team with ease. Is Jimmy dead? Because his team could sure use a resurrection.

Victory: East

Haribo Lecter vs. McConkey Kong:

What better snack for a Kong than gummy bears? Well Katie ripped the shit out of this bag gobbled up Abigail’s team. Kyren Williams tried to escape Kong’s grasp, but the rest of Abigail’s squad pulled him down like crabs in a bucket. Katie’s team went scorched Earth, more than doubling Abigail’s score.

Victory: West

Sacks in the City vs. The Algorithm:

How does Trevor consistently get these marginal victories? It’s like Lamar Jackson and Rachaad White got together, saw Alyssa’s average score and were like, “Let’s stunt on her”. This Championship rematch ended exactly as the last showdown, with Alyssa and Justin Jefferson being tossed into the fires on Mt. Doom. Just kidding, she’s not Josh.

Victory: East

Congratulations Easterlings, you win the first annual Battle for Middle Earth! I’ll be hounding my fellow Men (and women) of the West to take Malort shots for punishment, as is tradition. Jess continues to be a force of nature in the East, while Points For catapults Katie to lead the West for the first time in team history. Best of luck out there to all you boppers, and don’t forget to check your lineups!