Week 7: The Battle for Middle Earth

Fallout Halloween Horror nights is the sponsor of this week’s recap episode: a special East vs. West Wasteland bowl.

No, we don’t get paid to do this, I’m just bummed that I didn't get to do the Universal haunted mazes this year.

Everyone bust out your rad-away, because if you don't have radiation sickness yet, then you will eventually succumb! Trust me. Once a ghoul, always a ghoul.

Let’s recap an event-filled weekend while sipping pumpkin spice lattes and munching on Sugar Bombs breakfast cereal in the Vault.

Haribo Lecter vs. Jimmy Da Kid:

Radiated bears chomping up a poor Jimmy? That's married life for you brother. You live to take shit from our married ladies now. My condolences. Jimmy was looking pretty in a matchup where Chig, a wandering Tennessee ghoul surviving in the abandoned basements of Nashville, scored a rounded bagel. But leading receiver, JSN, came flying in, with a stingy Stingley hanging onto his facemask no less, and kept Jimmy down in the western standings. Somehow, Haribo continues to keep her playoff chances a likely scenario. Her nickname, patented 'Cram' in a Vault can strategy, continues to stuff try-hard fantasy managers in Vault pantries everywhere. CJ Stroud barely inched his way over Penix and his final tally(whacker), and the Browns defense crushed Jimmy Da Kid's defense and kicker combined score by themselves. It's probably easier to win marital disagreements than it is to beat Haribo Lecter in a regular season fantasy matchup. Unless you're negotiating with gummy bears and #1 options at wide out.

The Philadelphia Smeagles vs. RawbPeople:

The Rawblins finally have a streak going that’s NOT a losing one ! Hey, it's possible! It’s the most points he’s scored in a matchup in years (per his own emotional turmoil--sorry no fact-checking allowed in this Rawb-written recap). In Rashee Rice’s first game back, DeVonta Smith made Rawb look smart af with a nuclear explosion on the football field. Is this the most he’ll score all year? Probably. Does it still feel AND look good? Definitely! The Eagles have struggled, but we all know that they explode downfield and downhill like some blood thirsty, feral ghouls. Don't worry those Eagle ghouls will tire out and bore us all with less explosive offense in the weeks to come. That includes you too AJ Brown! Time will tell if Rashee will be the overall better WR option the next few weeks, but for now, it’s at least looking like a trade that will benefit both managers. The Smeagles had a CHANCE to really make this their season, but Baker had less protection than a Vault dweller newly wed couple on their special night. Jefferson and Kupp weren't reaching those old highs of yesteryear, and Jonnu Smith will probably throat punch the unc in his locker room for targeting the whiter TE in Pittsburgh. Ja'Marr tho? He's busy dappin' up Joe like it's 2013.

Average Boes vs. Spaghetti Mafia:

Average Boes want some moe’ dubs! The mafia fell victim to a violent settlement as a bunch of Boes threw dem elbows down, breaking said mafia affiliated players and their poor knees. Yup. Skattebo, his tongue, and Spaghetti's elite squad of up-and-coming young stars just weren't enough to match up against the power of UNC BOWL! East vs. West Bowl? Nah, we UNC BOWL now. Aaron Rodgers and his dimension-hopping pipe couldn't grab the dub for Pittsburgh, but he grabbed another W for these Average men in the Fellowship. This was WITH Bo and Travis Hunter on the bench. C'mon Ron that's your team's mascot and you abandoned him! Granted, Courtland Sutton still repped the historic Broncos comeback matchup while Tucker, Josh Jacobs, and a Baker-squashing defense made the Mafia look like they were being coached by Ms. Nanny out there. Plus, Jameson Williams wasn't hurt, he just didn't do anything! It was a long game for the Bucs, and it was an even longer weekend of games for Spaghetti. He joins five other managers at 3-4 with playoff hopes hanging up in the air at the halfway point this season.

Bodega Cat vs. LuLu Lemons:

Who else but LuLu and Bodega? Not only was this an anticipated calendar matchup between two of the league’s most tenured ball clubs, but this was also a rematch of an iconic 2019 rumble that Thanos himself took way back in the pre pandemic days of the league. This past weekend was a back and forth slug fest with plenty of big time performances. You hate to see any team lose here with so many iconic performances on both sides of the line of scrimmage. This blood bowl is what EAST vs. WEST is all about! Dimes was throwing Dannies. Judkins outscored Bijan. Trey was trucking jabronies downfield. Ladd was... o kay ! Meanwhile, the Bodega was strong in the cat playground this week. JT continued his monstrous season, followed by a strong Rashee Rice season debut and CeeDee return. The only thing that would make my kitties hiss is seeing a smug Kittle apologize to fantasy coaches post game. Wait, that was REAL? Even if ya slot in his benched TE, however, the Bodega Cats would have still lost by a hairball. Let's hope these two fantasy managers fight like cats and dogs for a long, long time.

Sacks in the City vs. The Movie Chef:

Samantha! It looks like the Sacks joined Haribo as one of the final girls (the last one standing in the west after the matchups) this week. The Movie Chef was butchered, as his recipe of Chubb, London, Allgeier, Judy, Kelce, Goedert, and Butker really HURTs his chances. Tre, the once Raiders waiver wire pop-off king, remained a floor fucker on the bench. Seriously, fuck dem Raiders. All my Wasteland homies know! Sacks, at the same time, didn't serve up the best meal with some floor games from Barkley, Achane, Rome, LaPorta, and Mason--but there was just enough production to make Tee Higgins on the bench look like a well-earned Bengal cat nap. It's now seven straight losses for the once playoff-contending clutch qualifying team of the league. Tony's looking like a US-bred cattle...with an extra head. This radiation's got us all a little messed up (except for the Smeagles as that squad continues to hover toward the bottom of the league once more). There's no thank you Chef right now, but let's hope he can leave this week BEHIND.

McConkey Kong vs The Algorithm:

It wouldn't be a McConkey Kong team or season without a drubbing like this after a nice victory. It was not luck of the Irish this week, as the Kongs slipped on a banana peel right into a rad zone. Algorithm used the best scripts on his PIP boy to dismantle a potential west contender with the calculated efficiency of a Vault-Tec scientist. Caleb fell to a dart throw. Jeanty and Brown were flattened by a super ghoul duo, CMC and JK 'house-elf' Dobbins. Pickens fell back down to WR2 Earth with Chris Moore in the bunker, while DK Metcalf and Keenan 'get on my Megaton load-bearing' back dropped bombs. Oronde was a crazy pull for TE, but he was no match for the likes of Cade Otton, Bam Knight, Jake Bates, and the entire Broncos defense together. The machine did just enough to keep his lone spot atop the east with Thornton being the only player on the bench with any points whatsoever. Now, that's the efficiency of machine learning at play my friends.

Beerserkers vs. The Detroit Lines:

While not a matchup of the week, this could be the blowout of the week! With Puka out, Davante shined like a polished bottle cap. Swift continued to be a consistent Bear and help win games for our binge drinking captain. Speaking of shining currency, what a fantastic value Jake Ferguson turned out to be, huh? The Beerserkers fleeced everyone that opted to take TEs in the first few rounds...including himself? Evan Engram was his first choice! With Terry out, the Beerserkers are stepping up and finding a groove. Tom's won five straight after dropping his first two games, and he was one of the few teams to beat the east coast team in the matchup. Detroit could not get Jayden, Montgomery, Hunter Henry, or Xavier Worthy to do much in the Wasteland. Her WRs carried the load while Freiermuth most likely hit his highest high for the season.

So there you have it! The East won this year, going 5-2 in the matchups this week. Further, THREE of those east conference teams cleared a total of 150 points!

It was a successful Battle for the Wasteland all-in-all.

Here's a preview of next week:

• Bodega Cat vs. The Detroit Lines

• Average Boes vs. Sacks in the City

• RawbPeople vs. Spaghetti Mafia

• The Movie Chef vs. McConkey Kong

• Beerserkers vs. The Algorithm

• LuLu Lemons vs. Jimmy the Kid

• The Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Haribo Lecter

We're in the thick swampy, bogged-out waters guys and gals. I'd do my best PIP boy research if I were you all, but just remember to throw everything you know in the trash afterward. Even a Mr. Handy couldn't land every pick--because if he could, we'd all probably be a few zeroes richer in our bank accounts. At least, the Fellowship Wasteland people are having more fun than those New Vegas Raiders.