Week 8: The Hallowship

Welcome to the crypt all you ghouls and gooners! I know Rob already wrote his own League House of Horrors, but I'd like to put my own devilish spin on the Hellowship. You're panting, pulse pounding as you scour the street for a place to hunker down during Byemageddon. Cold air pierces your skin as you walk by tombstones that read "Jack Rabbit Joe Smith", "Kristin NOLA", "Steve" and "M3gan".

The door to the monstrous mansion creaks open as you reach the steps. As you enter, you can almost feel the presence of James Conner and Tyreek Hill, but whenever you pause and look around, your eyes are only greeted by empty stats. Finally, you reach a large room filled with TV's showing NFL Low lights. However, you find yourself unable to resist the urge to stay and watch the Nightmare unfold. So, sit back in your coffin, pour some cauldron concoction into your chalice and let's get this Horror show on the road (cue Vincent Price laugh).

Dropped from rankings:

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

McQueen Kong vs. the Monster Chef

The Kongs started off hot, with Oronde Ghostsen propelling them up the Empire State building with a win in their hands. Tony, craving sweet victory, deployed bi-planes piloted by great performances from Jalen Hurts, Dallas Goedert and Travis Kelce! Happy fright end day indeed! Unfortunately, they weren't flying around Big Ben, as Drake London was out. Instead, he was replaced by Jerry Jeudy, who just crashed and burned. Kyle Pitts, Chase Scene Brown and Dike Kong grabbed the Monster Chef and shoved him in the oven, setting it to broil. Tony is in Fantasy Hell right now. You would have to visit Jack Rabbit Joe Smith's grave to see the last time a team went 0-8 (he actually went 0-14 in 2020). Although his Playoff dreams aren't dead yet, it will take Frankenstein type of revival for him to make it to the Monster Mash (BTW, Tony has held the MacSucken’ for 7 gaaaaaaaaaames). Meanwhile, Katie has a chance of making Skull Island a real contender at 5-3.

Bugonia Cat vs Detroit Living Dead

Suspecting Jess was an Alien, Bugonia Cat shoved her in the trunk of his car and had Banshee Rice hit the gas. After hearing groans from Joe Flacco, Dom realized she was a zombie! Pulling over, Dom popped open the trunk and unloaded on the Detroit Lines Ghoulfellas style, with Jonathan Taylor, RJ Harvey, the Spookaneers defense and Chase McHowlin pulverizing her. Jess didn't stand a chance, and got her head shaved after being the victim of back to back beat downs of the week. Dom crawled out of the dungeon with this 167.73 point statement by hitting 500.

Average Boos vs Sachs in the Sepulchre

Ron left Bo Nix in the coffin for Crypt Keeper Aaron Rodgers this week. Sure, Rodgers knows his way around a Massoleum, especially after Tucker Kraftenstein burst past the stone door into the main hall with a 33 point surge. But a dark evil lurks within these stone walls, for Hell hath no fury like a past runner up scorned. The ghost of Saquon's past blasted back with 35 points. The Bills defense bested the electric Chargers keeping the Boes animated. Alyssa just couldn't be stopped, the haunting of 1000 seasons coming down upon the ghost busted. Alyssa is now the Queen of the Damned, otherwise known as the West. Ron might have to drown his sorrows in Boos after this loss.

Kiladelphia Smeaghouls vs Hannibal's Gummy Bears

As Josh knelt by Baker's bedside.

And his team, it trailed behind.

From the window, a black bird looked.

Quoth the Raven, "Let him Cook".

Haribo ravaged Smeagles' chambers,

Pittman, Higgins, Njoku put him in danger.

Even Josh's Steelers shook.

Quoth the Raven, "Play James Cook".

Boswell booted 20 from the study.

Disappointed from Abby's RB buddies.

Then, from some uncanny nook...

35.7 points from James Cook.

Lecter frantically saw the scoreboard.

A ghastly hand scribbled it on the floorboards.

115.18 - 15.02 as she looked.

Quoth the Raven, "You got cooked".

Even Edgar Allen Poe would envy this Macabre Masterpiece. The Smeagles remain in the realm of the playoff living by a mere .16 points. Despite the nasty loss, Abigail still has plenty of teams to cannibalize as remains in the top 5 spectres of the League.

It's The Great Rawblin, Charlie Brown vs Spaghetti Mummy

"Hello, police? Can I report a murder if the victim is already dead?". That right, Zach's team is a literal morgue. He played a very much departed Lamar Jackson, Chris Godwin and Rams Defense. That's not even counting Omarion Hampton and Brock Bowers in the crypt. But the great Rawblin must feed regardless, as he wrapped his vines around Kareem Hunt, Mason Taylor and Jordan Addison, his Points Against feeding on their delicious touchdowns. Rawblins poured out of the Rob-faced pumpkin, as Josh Alien and Ja'martian Chase looted Zach's pyramid. The crushing blow was the vine the wrapped around Cam Skateboo's ankle, twisting it and removing the foundation of the Mafia. If the Grim Reaper did indeed take Cam, Zach's pyramid may crumble as he sinks to 3-5. Rawbpeople may have found a new life force, as he crawls out of a losing record.

Lulu Lost Boys vs Jimmy da Killer

Lulu hungers for a win, his little band of vampires tricking unsuspecting teams into their clutches. And with hunky 80's white dudes like Daniel Jones, Ladd McConkey and honorary Caucasian Teteroa McMillan, who can resist? Unfortunately, Alex isn't the only thing that goes bump in the night. After being left for dead last week, Jimmy put on his hockey mask hunting for Lemons. Jones was able to fend MaHomes off, but Breece Halloween and Javonterrible Williams sliced and diced Lulu while Khalil Shakir killed Bill. Even the undead can't resist 140 points. The sun rose upon Alex's team, searing his skin, but the damage was already done. What's worse is that Quinshon Judkins might not have survived the encounter! Luckily, he can go back to the coffin for a Week 9 Bye to regenerate. Unfortunately, Alex needs a blood transfusion fast to keep his season afloat after falling to 3-5. Meanwhile, Jimmy remains a legitimate threat on a dangerous West Coast leader board.

Wereserkers vs the Trevinator

Is that a full moon or judgment day rockets? Whatever it is, it turned Jake Ferguson's hands to stone. Drake Maye went full beast mode to lead the wolf pack against the machines. But the Algorithm systematically picked them off one by one, Zaytheon Flowers and J.K. Dobheed Martin making up for the containment of CMC 3000. A DK Metcalf touchdown appeared to have put the nail in the Beerserkers coffin. That's when Scary Terry donned his striped sweater and claws to chase down Trevor in the the boiler room. Slash, a shocking touchdown! Slash, two catches with decent yardage! Terry had Trevinator in the corner, he was one catch away from finishing him off. Suddenly, he stopped, and turned around to face me, only to reveal it was Dan Quinn in the sweater. Oh no! This was my nightmare, not Trevor's! Once again, he had perfectly calculated what he needed to let me die in the simulation while he continues to wreak havoc on the Fellowship.

If you lost, you're probably chilled to the bone by those seven sinister tales. But even winners have injuries and bye weeks hiding under their beds! Trevor continues to dominate both the League and the East with a steely, AI grip from his Cabin in the Woods. Alyssa has usurped me at the top of the West, with plenty of monsters in her closet, hungrily eyeing her throne. On the other end of the spectrum, Zach's Spaghetti Mafia is starting to get buried under his injuries at the bottom of the West. And finally, I'd like to lay a wreath on the tombstone of our sweet Movie Chef. Also not deceased, Tony is living his nightmare at the bottom of the East. Only the serum of Victory can free his Fantasy soul.

Don't lose faith, as no one's playoff chances are completely dead. Thanksgiving is the next holiday up! So stay hungry Fellowship, and Rob will see you all in Week 9.