Week 9: State of the Union Address

Our Fellow League-mates,

We find ourselves in the last quarter of the regular season games. And as we trudge on and battle each week, we find that each game means more and more, as the playoffs loom over us. It truly is a battleground for that post-season territory - kind of like battling for votes in an electoral college. And boy, if our league was anything like the electoral college, the East Division would be giving the West division the business.

If playoffs started today, SIX teams from the east would be in the main bracket, with only two teams from the west. To put that in political terms, that’s like winning the EC 295 - 226. Those numbers sound familiar?

But as we find ourselves in this homestretch, we hope to not be burned by what has been. But instead, finding ourselves in the playoffs having a dance party with Beyonce. But the beauty of fantasy football is that we all can act like democrat leaders Jerry Jones and put the blame on others instead of ourselves!

Let’s get into our recap.

Dropped from rankings:

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

GOONER OF THE WEEK:

Despite being the best division in football, all is not well for DJ Moore and Caleb Williams. You would think a new rookie QB, who doesn’t look like a frog, would bring new chemistry and perspective to the bears wide receivers. But DJ looks to be in business for himself as he just gives up MID PLAY and heads to the bench.

Dude left the field and went into hiding just as quickly as Kamala “went to bed” on election night after getting the Reebok earrings from Trump. His excuse? A twisted ankle that I don’t think he even believes. C’mon, DJ, it can’t be that bad. You can Caleb just need to have a nail painting sleepover and hash this thing out.

Beerserkers v. RawbPeeple:

With playoff seeding tightening, RawbPeeple had more pressure on him than Joe Bye-den in the situation room after his early afternoon nap. Fortunately for him, RawbPeeple's players weren't trying to shake hands with imaginary people on the field. Flipping over to the Beerserkers, it was certainly nap time for Marvin Harrison Jr.! The sleepy OSU receiver was all tuckered out after celebrating the big Penn State dub on Saturday. Even with him forgetting to rack up points for his Viking Jarl, the rest of the Norse warrior tribe still put up Week 9's third highest PF total. Impressive that Kamara has survived an injury-laden season (especially on the Saints roster) and Cade Otton continues to impress his constituents in Tampa. Baker Mayfield for senator? I'd vote for him before Cleveland would. Overall, even after the rare loss, the Beerserkers look stronger than ever after the first Fellowship trade of the season. You do hate to see Hopkins feasting like a Cardinal of old on the bench. Let's hope he doesn't look like Houston Dhop or anyone that's not named Jess is toast. Beerserkers host the Cats next week, while Rawb tries to get his whole season back on track against LuLu. Yours truly will be rooting for the Avengers to put Thanos down and avenge last year's crushing defeat.

Gooning With All Mahomies vs. Jimmy Da Kid:

Jimmy couldn't quite get ahead of the gooners this week. His whole team looked like a bunch of silenced victims as Dak led the charges with one assault too far possibly putting him out for the remainder of the season. Dak has disappointed our beloved Jimmy Carter once more. Just like that quarterback and Georgia-hailing president, our hamstrung league-mate hasn't accomplished a lot in his short term. With an oft injured Tee Higgins and an up and down JT on the Colts, it's hard to consistently make a dent in this deep of a league. In spite of a rough primary, Mahomies has hit the campaign trail adding Kareem Hunt to the cause. The Broncos and Jets clicking at just the right time really appeals to Mahomies' base. But what's his stance on gooning with friends? Pretty pro gooning! So pro gooning that Drake London got a little excited and came out of the victory with a hip pointer. History shows that voters don't love questionable players in the voting booth. Next week, Goonies will try George W. stumble his way to the playoffs against Smeagles. Jimmy tries to win back some fans back on the trail in his first rivalry matchup against the mafia.

McConkey Kong vs. Bodega Cat:

Kirko Chains for president. That's who I'd vote for if it were an option. But in a world of elephants and donkeys, and cats and dogs for that matter, we know that Dom's only voting for Bodega. Orange wave! Like Abraham Lincoln and his oval office kitties, Bodega brought the feline fury this week with a close but efficient win to keep those playoff dreams alive. Every week counts now, and Dom has Wilson's catch of the year on the Jets to thank for a hard fought victory! Rico Dowdle also cooked in a team loss. Kong will need her namesake DK Metcalf back in the lineup to pull a Condoleezza Rice. However, Katie loves dogs and just got married. So it's kind of hard to lump her in with the childless cat ladies in Washington (it's a stretch but Rice was never married and has no children - keep up people). Before I slip and write a joke about Puerto Rico, I'll look ahead to a big Kong and Detroit Lines showdown next week. The Bodega Cats look to upset the Beerserkers in a potential matchup of the week.

LuLu Lemons vs. Spaghetti Mafia:

The LuLu Lemons win...again. That's now five in a row, matching the Detroit Lines with longest running win streaks this season. As he got bounced out of eliminator this week, we won't go too hard on the man, but someone still needs to find Kyler Murray's shoe lifts. I think he tends to have better weeks when he's got them inside of his cleats. The macabre wheeler and dealer, the bonafide tricky dick of our league, Spaghetti Nixon Watergate mafia couldn't score a bounce back win this week. You know, we keep letting these Italians take our players--I mean TRADE for our players... look all I'm saying is that if we built a wall we could keep Mordor and all of those pasta eating orcs out of the Shire. In all seriousness, the Gibbs and Montgomery stack is an interesting choice. Javonte Williams has been a thunderous force in the NFL. While he probably doesn't mind cheering on his fellow warriors from the bench, he'll be galloping for that flex spot trying to prove himself to "da boss." Organized crime Italian dinner will try to fuhgettaboutit next week full tilt against Mahomies and their Italian manager. And by league decree, LuLu is forbidden to properly set his lineup.

The Philadelphia Smeagles vs. The Algorithm:

Leading the AI "change" revolution inside of the Fellowship, the Barrack Obama of the league went up against the Herman Cain of our league. Ya'll remember Smeagles? Philadelphia's misfortunate season continues on as he goes through all eight gyms without his best Pokémon. The season really worked out if you look at it like a videogame challenge run. There's not much to say here. We don't expect much from Xavier Worthy, but we also don't expect negative points either. Smeagles isn't out of playoff contention quite yet, but Gooning has more than just the EDGE in the rivalry bedroom next week. After that discount victory, like Trump running circles around Marco Rubio, the biggest thing we're all wondering in the Algorithm camp is if machine learning can keep CeeDee Lamb healthy and/or fantasy relevant. A lot's been happening in Dallas, and that Jonathan Mingo trade is some RawbPeeple in eliminator league logic. Algorithm and Cowboys fans will keep praying that their team starts playing better, because right now it looks like that team has had the Dallas version of JFK running the team.

Sacks in the City vs. Stroud Boys:

Sacks in the City came in to this week like Ronald Reagan, a Hollywood star running for the most powerful position in all of politics, and our very own SJP needed a victory on the board to keep those dreams of getting into Fellowship NY office alive. We count all victories, no excuses, but it does hurt to see Chris Olave go down like Joe Biden riding a bike. The Derek Carr curse continues to reign no matter where he plays, and an equally flat performance from CJ on Thursday night undermined Bijan and Brock's efforts for the Stroud Boys. Trey Palmer and the rest of the Bucs offense were just enough to ensure that the Stroud political team couldn't whip up enough votes to make it a MNF comeback. Meanwhile, since the concussion, Nabers hasn't been running his WR block in quite the same way. My inside sources tell me that the rest of the Stroud Boys will be bringing their tiki torches to next week's rally--uh--game to motivate another early season-esque Malik performance. Last year's championship vice president goes up against another former second place champ finisher (so basically Dick Cheney and Mike Pence) in another classic Sacks and Haribo rivalry matchup. The Stroud Boys make their rivalry debut against last year's champ in a Westminster throwback.

Detroit Lines vs. Haribo Lecter:

Similar to Hilary Clinton in 2016, Haribo had the celebration champagne bottle chilled and ready to pop. Diggs was firmly locked in Detroit's lineup, but the polls and projections were wrong. And it wasn't close.

Haribo's victory celebrations were put on ice, and then she even asked me, "But what about Nicaragua?"

"You mean Puka Nakua, Abigail." Yes, even with two players showing up on election week with some fat bagels, no cream cheese, she still leads the league in total points scored with an almost 200 point lead. I'd make a Kamala Harris joke, and say that Detroit's having her BRAT moment -- but let's face it: the Lines are playing like a full-blown founding father right now. When Bark's not running the ball, he's catching 20 yard strikes for a crucial redzone Eagles touchdown. Under center, Joe Burrow leads like George Washington crossing the Delaware. He was doing all of that even as Cole Kmet did his best Benedict Arnold impression. With Drake London's recent injury status, Detroit could need the added upside that will slide Darnell Mooneys' way in an important rivalry matchup against McConkey Kong. Can someone stop this juggernaut for all our sakes? It's 2024, the year of our totalitarian overlord Jess, and this is her Fellowship. Set your lineups folks.

The final five weeks of the regular season continues, and we head into our last theme week of the season. RIVALRY WEEK is upon us!!