Week 9: The MacSucken' Cometh

After an incredible Halloween party in the Fellowship wastelands, it felt like the hangover (shout-outs to Jahmyr Gibbs), and the damn time change came at us fast.

You know when you're watching a slasher movie, and the survivors are tending to their wounds, both physical and psychological, and there's a real feeling of unease. Because, even if the nightmare is seemingly over, the audience knows just like the survivors do that life must go on... and the killer always comes back for one final scare.

Well, that's exactly how it goes down here in our Fellowship Fallout Vault, too! Only, the real killer here is your league ranking, coming from underneath the radioactive lake with a machete in one hand and an injured player that's going to redefine your entire season completely.

Hope you had a Halloween, everyone. It's time to recap the first batch of matchups in November. Try not to scream... because the MacSucken’ cometh!

Dropped from rankings: LuLu Lemons

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

The Philadelphia Smeagles vs. Jimmy Da Kid:

Jimmy Da Kid only totaled 79 pts after being projected to finish around 110. It must have been more frustrating than waking up with a strange, mutated growth in Shady Sands. Nico was his sole achiever in the pack, and maybe that changes with CJ in concussion protocol for the time being? Nothing is certain in fantasy football aside from Aaron Jones being a disappointment. That's been pretty consistent. Let's see if Breece Hall gets traded to a vault that can make more use of his skills. On a completely opposite note, the Smeagles are cooking (po-TAT-oes?) as they move one game closer to a .500 record. Both WRs and RBs alike were able to hit decent enough numbers, yet all that paled in comparison to another strong performance from top 10 quarterback Matt Stafford under center. Now, it was against the Saints, which is like asking Fawkes to fight a single rad-rat with a minigun in a closet. Translation: big thing make small thing explode.

Average Boes vs. RawbPeople:

War. War never changes. And just like war, the Bills continue to win the battles in the regular season--especially against Kansas City. Despite losing Rico to his own stupidity, Rawb's Norman Osborns inched their way to victory with a mild, in comparison to his past standards and heroics, Josh Allen pop-off. DJ Moore finally looked like a fucking football player this week. Norman needed against Ron's cosplay of Peter Parker this week, because an injury to a rising Boutte and middling week from Colts' Warren nearly upset the People's nice little win streak. And all it took was a horrific Jayden Daniels injury to convince the Washington coach that it's time to rest your starters when you're down by four touchdowns in the fourth quarter--nullifying the Average Boes' Deebo, who came within one catch of passing RawbPeople. Regardless, that's four wins in a row for the people's Mickey Mouse champ. Sure, there's some luck involved, but them's the breaks. Both teams remain in contention and are in the top eight for total points scored this far into the season.

Haribo Lecter vs. Bodega Cat:

JT was shut down by the Steelers and their own initialed player, TJ. The Colts offense was seemingly low WATTage, suffering from rolling blackouts as they couldn’t overpower the Steel Curtain--and the paws of the Bodega Cats couldn’t quite grasp the gummy bears. Her team played like a roster possessed by the spirit of a laser pointer, forcing the cats into corner after corner. Dak and CeeDee were upset by Ohio's state bird, Waddle and Rice fought admirably, Kittle played kitten-like, and Kenneth Walker had too much (Puka)Nuka-Cola before kickoff, making him sleepy. There has to be some explanation like that, because that SNF game script should've given the Seahawks RBs way more room to run all over Washington. Nope! The terror of the nickname queen and her trio of strong WRs continues to befuddle the league. Haribo Lecter is ranked 5th overall in total points scored. The Bodega Cats have lost three of their last four, and they have three straight matchups against teams with winning records. Let's pray that wasteland rebellions were built on hope.

The Movie Chef vs. The Algorithm:

Thank you, chef! Tony was the star in his own Fellowship of the League slasher flick, as he finally got to be the final boy this week. Tony’s cast and crew finally wrapped on principal photography and started their season proper with their first win. He somehow Linda-Hamilton-crawled his way through a vent and ruthlessly dispatched Algorithm's T-800, smashing its robotic skull with Zach Ertz's FIST. Take that AUTOMATION! You lost by one point, AI. How does it FEEL? Get it?! Robots can't get it because they no feel no emotion. There will be no Joe Jackrabbits' winless season for this league manager! Movie Chef finally earned his Brotherhood of Steel power armor this season with a well-fought, narrow margin victory. Pop the champagne, as Drake London had a signature pop-off performance to save some of his draft capital in leagues everywhere. Now, of course, a benched sweet baby angel Kincaid may have saved the day for Algorithm, but these radiated flowers go to the victor! Trevor Lawrence could've pulled a Hank MacLean and sabotaged everything for Chef's squad by sucking. But he didn't ! And now the MacSucken' gets passed to the top-ranked team this year. It's truly a Vault Dweller's wasteland out there.

Detroit Lines vs. Spaghetti Mafia:

We all know Flacco has had some iconic moments on the bench, but I don’t think this was what Detroit had in mind. How does he keep doing this? And why am I wetter than a Bengal Tiger being dunked in a radiated pool by a brotherhood of steel being hazed by his buddies. (Just go with it, please. I need to hit my Fallout punchline quota or Todd Howard will pull our license.) Those extra four points, however, wouldn't have put this team even within striking distance, as it was either bust or 'let the bodies hit the floor' for this starting roster. The Lines matched the real-life Lions as they lost to... Have a slice of Neapolitan pizza on Mr Bowers’ tab! He can finally afford it after a half-season of league managers crashing out over his inflated ADP. Lamar, Maserati Marv, and the number one-ranked TE in the preseason all back to the height of their BOWERS! The Mafia really does know how to fix things when they need a win, huh?

LuLu Lemons vs. Beerserkers:

An impending matchup of the week turned into an all-out VATS targeting shots fired special as the Beerserkers aimed down sights and went hunting. Daniel Jones ran into a Pittsburgh buzzsaw, Ladd regressed into kidd mcconkey, and the less said about the rest of these raiding goons, the better. How do the Packers go from looking like one of the hottest teams to losing to an anemic Panthers offense? (That's aside from Rico-as Rawb will always know for the rest of his life.) Even after a Gibbs Old Style hangover, the rest of the team shotgunned beers with Tom and stayed up until 5 am looking for Kyle Monangai rookie cards on eBay. That's with Wan'Dale Robinson and Parker Washington on the bench. That's still two in the chamber, and one LuLu Lemon in a body bag for the ninth week of NFL action. There's a three-way tie for best record in the west, but the Beerserkers stay on top with the highest point total.

McConkey Kong vs. Sacks in the City:

Caleb came in swinging like King Kong, painted nail haymakers making contact with opponents everywhere on the field. It was quite a matchup as the Bengals almost came back. Alas, Rome laid a mutated egg on the field. Seriously, can't these Chicago WRs and TEs feast a little bit together? Malik Washington and Jordan Mason weren't helping the City's cause either. Nevertheless, these two teams could both be bound for the playoffs even with the loss on Sack's part. Empire State building-beast mode was definitely unlocked during McConkey's bounce-back win. Oronde Gadsden II and Chimere Dicke have been strong waiver wire pickups, rounding out this impressive ESPN-sponsored auto-drafted squad. That wasteland radiation seems to be infecting the Kongs like all of the Fallout grizzlies in the wild. Let’s hope the wild turkeys aren’t too affected because we still need to fire up the grill and fryers for turducken come month’s end!

And there you have it, fantasy Vault Dwellers. Which one of us will be the chosen one to lead us out of the wasteland? Time will tell. Check those lineups, watch those injury reports, and do your best with the matchup data you have. After all, none of us knows when those bombs will drop.

Bon voyage!