Week 12: Gibbs Me Dat W

Greetings, all you wasteland wankers. Bet it's actually starting to feel like a wasteland out here as the playoffs draw nearer while guys like Devin Neil are priority waiver wire adds. Talk about slim Pickens ( no offense to George). Guess every Salisbury Steak comes with a little radiation, right? If you haven't guessed, this year's theme is Fallout. Anyway, let's dig into this week's matchups.

Dropped from rankings:

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

Beerserkers vs Jimmy da Kid

Jimmy was a heavy underdog in this matchup, especially since he didn't play a kicker (seriously, was he hanging onto Will Lutz for the playoffs?). After a Stefon Diggs dud and a D’Andre Swift kick to the nuts, it looked like the gap might narrow, especially with Khalil Shakir spitting bars (no relation to Tupac). That's when Jahmyr Gibbs guzzled from the Adamantium beer bong. After seeing visions of Beerserkers’ running backs past, Gibbs donned the midnight power armor, becoming “Blackout Panther” and absolutely wrecked Jimmy with a 58-point performance, the highest of any fantasy player this season! Drunkanda Forever! After that point, Jimmy's players just gave up, failing to break 90 points. However, he does remain in playoff contention. Meanwhile, Gibbs sets the record for most points and a single game in franchise history for the Beerserkers, breaking Alvin Kamara's record of 48 points last year.

Bodega Cat vs Rawbpeople

Hunker down in your vault for this one, the beat down sirens are ringing! Rob was already down bad after Ja’marr Chase decided to pull a Hawk Tua and got suspended for this game ( get it? they both spit on dicks). Banking on a Bhayshul Tuten breakout and for Xavier to break a Legette Just didn't pan out. The Cowboys vs Eagles game did kind of pan out for Rob, as former Bodega cat Devonta Smith hit his projection exactly. The only problem is that Dom also rode that game's coattails with Dak carrying his little Lamb for over 40 combined points. Not to mention, former Rawblin Rashee Rice gave him some serious buyer's remorse. Dom clocked in it over 150 points as this week's highest score, while Rob will be shifting his focus to fantasy basketball

McConkey Kong vs Haribo Lecter

This one was almost the matchup of the week, featuring the highest combined total! The Kongdom put in the work for Katie, with her RB duo of Ashton Jeanty and Chase Brown beating out Travis Etienne and a suddenly lukewarm TreyVeon Henderson. Not to mention the Charbonnet wasn't flat for the Kongs, as George Pickens served up some spicy hot 30 points worth of chicken. No gummies on this menu! Unfortunately for Katie, the Browns Defense and Andy Borregales put in almost 40 points combined, most likely because they didn't want to get eaten by the league’s cannibal. Not to mention JSN matching their total! 146 points worth of gelatin was just too much for Katie to overcome, despite scoring 130 points herself. It's a shame Chimere Dike was left rotting on her bench…Not that Hannibal Lecter would mind.

Philadelphia Smeagles vs Lulu Lemons

 Calling this one a nail biter is a disservice, as Alex and Josh likely chewed off their fingertips for this insane contest. Let's start with the fact that Josh finally decided to play Dalton Schultz over Johnny Smith, only for Dalton to put up less than two points. Alex didn't get to laugh for a long, as both James Cook and the Texans defense put up numbers despite playing against each other. The ball was back in our reigning champ’s court, with an even more dominant Packers performance and a very decent showing from Rob’s Romanian cousin, Andrei Iosivas. That's when Josh fired up possible MVP Matthew Stafford, while AJ Brown put up over 25 points despite telling people to drop him on fantasy. Don't worry AJ, Josh is a hopeless romantic. But Alex is in love with the Arizona Cardinals, rocking that somehow solid Jacoby Brissett - Trey McBride stack. This one went all the way to Monday Night Football, in a matchup of Jauan Jennings versus Teteroa McMillan. Jauan drew first blood, knocking Alex down. But Alex delivered his own Hawaiian Punch, with a McMillan touchdown! And then he cocked back, only for Bryce Young to grab his elbow. That's when Jauan Jennings shoved him instead of shaking his hand. It didn't seem like much but less than two points won Josh the day with a final score of 103.22 to 129.08. Josh's playoff dreams remain alive, while Alex is forced to win outright against two formidable opponents in the coming weeks.

The Movie Chef vs the Average Boes

Okay, back to the beatdowns. Did anyone predict that Tony would be the beater? Tony's merry band of misfits got the job done, tush-pushing Jalen Hurts past the 30-point mark. After a while, you kind of think he likes it. However, I would say his team is warming up rather than heating up, as everyone else decided to goon and watch while Derrick Henry and Tyrone Tracy put in the work. Meanwhile, Ron was forced to start Tyrod Taylor while eating ghastly performances from Romeo Doubs, Josh Downs, Alvin Kamara, and -3 points from the Lions. Tony has now notched three wins. Even though he won’t be in the playoffs, you better believe he’ll be playing spoiler. Despite warding off the Macksucken, Tony might have to perform another defense, as he plays Ron in Week 14. Meanwhile, Ron needs to clot this wound fast, as he's hemorrhaging both points and wins.

Sacks in the City vs Detroit Lines

Ironic that Ron and Jess share a house, as her team is trending the exact opposite direction of his. The cyborg that is Sam Darnold took no prisoners in this matchup, scouring the city for souls. And those lost souls put up single digit fantasy scores on Alyssa's roster, including her fallen angel, Rome Odunze. Meanwhile, Amon-Ra St Brown shot down rays of death amounting to over 30 points, while Hunter Henry shook buildings at their foundation with a 25-point earthquake. Alyssa's bravest soldier, Darnell Mooney, put up the best performance on her team, but he couldn't eclipse 17 points. He was quickly vaporized by yet another shockingly good Kenneth Gainwell showing. Alyssa suffers a nasty loss, but a playoff appearance is likely in her future. Jess, on the other hand, clocked in at 143 points, and is turning things around after a brutal losing streak.

The Algorithm vs Spaghetti Mafia

Speaking of machines, let's round this one out with our resident Terminator. I laughed when Trevor picked up shoulder Sanders only for him to beat his projection by .36 points. GOAT status! You know what's even more GOAT-like? That he beat out Lamar Jackson who barely eked out 7 points. A Kareem Hunt touchdown was all Zach had to look forward to on Sunday as his best friends all betrayed him, ranging from Jameson Williams’ goose egg, to Emeka Ebuka’s fall from grace. Even Brock Bowers failed to make a dent in Trevor’s steely, metallic armor. The Algorithm does not exert unnecessary effort, gaining commendable performances from units like DK Metcalf and Zay Flowers. That being said, CMC continues to crush it, looking like an upgrade from Arnold himself as he strikes fear into the hearts of the League. Zach was the lowest scoring team this week at 59.52 points. Has the spaghetti grown cold? Perhaps an Omarion Hampton return is the only thing that can bring the wise guys back together for a playoff push.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, the week 12 recap. This was a particularly high scoring week, with an average score of over 129 points! Trevor’s Algorithm maintains his dominance as both the top seeded team and the Eastern divisional leader, instilling deep depression for humanity as technology takes over. Meanwhile, my Beerserkers sit at the top of the West by one win. Trevor and I officially clinched playoff spots this week. However, six slots still remain open. Anyone still has a shot at the dance except Tony, who will be gooning with all his Mahomies. We all know John Favreau will be beating his meat to the live action Lion King in the background. Two teams stand before you in the regular season: a new opponent and a familiar face. There are three games on Thanksgiving, and one on Black Friday, so be sure to set your lineups. I'm thankful that we get to play this game together every year and hope you all have a good holiday weekend. 

Happy Thanksgiving,

Tom